Spray Paint..

(you know how I write stuff always off the top of my head because to edit it would simply kill it? the moment you know, the idea, the stream that it all comes spilling out from.. upon spell check.. the words and the meanings simply melt into some other creature some other idea of "oooh should I have used that word or not??" or "isn't this a better word for that, I am always repeating myself..")

Spraypaint.. for some reason our circles always closed in to meeting each other again with other people from the different end.. same people, we, but you meet them in another place and time and then we again meet each other... how is that always the case with us? Even though you introduced me to Thomas and Dale and Nita and Warren.. we all knew them from appearently different angles.

You invited me to go to the class you went to at Miami Dade.. me a highschool drop out.. walking about and socializing in your gifted class for students who are in highschool but have collage acredited classes.. I used to go there with you quite allot.. I met Warren there.. who was friends with Dale and Nita.. someone you had also been friends with.. or associated with.. all of us has similar tastes in music at that time..although not exactly the same, naturally..

You lot were the Gifted ones... I met my future professor that time because OF YOU.. in Ceramics who had taken me under his wing.. (a Virgo) he eventually met my mother who ended up taking a course with him as well.. and why???? Because she needed to do it.. she had to realize herself as a creative individual.. and because of him, I feel she did... in many ways..(no she didn't have any kind of afair with him)

I ran into him a few years before I took his class at our old hang out "Churchills".. when the band "Human Oddities" played.. it seemed that a student of his, Betty, the drummer at the time.. had invited him.. and there he was.. out to see them at this dingey little punk rock.. bar in Little Haiti.. it was EXCELLENT.. he was just so utterly cool!

I was lucky I can recall Human Oddities name.. but the name of Elmer Craig has finally come to mind.. ceramics professor extrodinare.. he really was a confidence builder, wasn't he? (the school forced a number of professor's into early retirement after they closed down their North Campus Art Department.. that historical department where Dwane Hanson worked upon his life like sculptures as a professer in 3-d for that department.. years previous.. before earning an international name.. )

WE have these roots that are grounded in "greatness" but we are quite like that department.. people have closed the doors on us before our time.. the time was over for an ideal.. a change.. a place where fast food university courses were the thing.. rather than a focus in the humanities that were not immediately quantifiable.. once again, like US..

today I realized I need to actually buy something.. a pair of jeans.. maybe some winter trousers with the sporty fabric and the lining, something to keep me warm for winter while I rumage about Huddinge.. with my son.. my clothes now, after a few years, full of huge holes.. and as I have been an active child.. as an active (no REALLY I AM!!) adult.. I get holes, and I recall the old.. "how do you do that to clothes?".. when everyone else seemed to keep their things all nice and neat and relativly hole free..

I thought about your room.. and I thought to myself.. "how can someone do this to a room?" it looked like you even built a little bonfire in the middle of it and there were black marks on that cream coloured carpeting.. the bed looked as if you never changed it and the books and papers were scattered about..ah.. but it was the way you controled your space.. but still.. me.. inner most me feels content with clutter compared to my inlaws who will see an overturned object on a floor as a sign of mental illness, or a kitchen with dishes stacked up as a sign that intervention is of the utmost importance at this time... when the truth of the matter is, you bitch about my "slobbiness" the more slobby I am going to get you freak.. (she told me she vaccuums the floor 3-4 times a day.. and I said "please don't say that, I am begining to worry about you..")

Invites for a cup of tea with those I distrust and even dislike.. and am considered "antisocial" but come on now.. I would rather, much rather spend my time with FRIENDS rather than fiends...

My husband wants to see America.. I just want to see my friends and my mother... America I don't need to see, I have seen all too much of it.. and like eating with people I don't like, I don't trust the place.. it acts in quite the same way as those other people too.. sort of end up there and getting looked up and down and "assessed".. do I need to be assessed? I mean assessment is fine with an open mind, but people are searching for a catigory to put you into and often that isn't healthy, for them or you.. and that catigory can either be "unclassified" or "sick"...

once upon a time I went to school more than a year before I met you, Avi.. I was in a small town, I was miserably bored with what was on the radio, and painfully injured by the atmosphere.. I created within myself a place where I could understand my insecurity.. I was insecure, but not for the reasons one should think.. I was insecure because.. I knew what I wanted to say, but lacked the courage to say it.. thats what happens when you don't have an idea that other people can actually feel the same way.. you tend to believe yourself as the freak, where as the normal, those who seemed to feel differently or expressed themselves differently or had a different asthetic.. they were not wrong, just undeveloped and unrealised.. and found warm feelings within other things...

So one day, I decided, I got to do what I think looks cool.. oh at first it started out of boredom but then later on.. this expression turned into my "style".. my auntie encouraged me to read the same books as her, but instead I got different meanings from them than she did.. then there were books other people thought were cool those who were older who I asked for "recomended reading" from.. I got things like "Brave New World" and "1984".. which are also things people seem to get completely different meanings from than I did at the time..

Strange.. so loaded up with this.. these "radical" ideas.. these newer perspectives added to an already different, more senstive perspective.. I wasn't too suprised to find my growing attraction for new wave, and then punk rock was validating the ideas I had..

an idea that people invest too much time to conform instead of stand out..for the sake of being acceptable.. but I didn't see that "punk" was the rejection of it, but actually the self directed asthetic.. one needs to grow in order to be more creative and be comfortable with one's self in a crowd of "barbie dolls".. thus friending punks and not just people who radically wanted to shock had always been my goal.. sometimes concerning you Avi, you tended to love the shock.. but you can't grow from the shock, but you force people around you to.. which is actually a valid expression of finding yourself.. but it doesn't get you far when you need to learn something else...

Yet you learned what you needed to.. did what you needed to do.. and here you are.. focused into a lesson to continue the creative growth.. where others have let their hearts die..and sold their dreams for a paycheck to know where their next meal comes from.. ahhh..

In Chicago.. I had moments like.. man.. that is a whole different story.. but in the end.. I'm still the same and so are you.. we are focused upon growing.. where as others are preparing for their own quiet deaths at this moment, via insurance and wills and pension plans.. here we are, gambling our selves in the game of life.