Medicine or Drugs?

I don't like taking the inhaled cortizone.. its become easier.. and since they made me take a minimal of 2 doses 2 times a day on a normal day.. its been kind of hard with the side effects.

Then taking this Singular.. is also a part of it.. but this year the allowance for meds (which is somewhere around 2000 kronor) has been exceeded yet again.. due to allot of antibiotics as well as the expense of the two daily meds.

I don't think I would have wanted to choose taking medicine to "maintain" a certain ablity to breathe.. but at the same time.. other people who let their asthma slide down can't even ride a bicycle anymore according to some of the things I read.. so what they are trying to do is maintain a level of quality I'm supposed to have.. and I think to be honest.. for as sick as I was recently (which my family politely was blind to) I think I maintained so much better than the last two times last year.. it was misery.

Now I just got over a Microbiotic infection in the lungs.. I don't want to call it puemonia but thats what the doctor calls it.. I have had colds which ran longer I guess.. but still I'm at least able to walk around.. take the boy to school, and even push myself to skate..I have however some evidence on occasion showing me that I'm not as well off as I think, muscle spasms.. foot, leg, arm, hand, back, neck CRAMPS.. they are everywhere!!

But yes I don't think of myself as sick so its deceptive.. today I'm finally at close to 90% of my 90%... the increments I use to define where I stand are as such.. I haven't come back to 100%.. although in Brighton I was close and the same with Idol.. I was close but still not 100%.. and I'm trying to ignore the percent I'm missing.

It bothers me..I don't want to be in this situation... but I'm doing stuff to work against it, its just that everyone expects more from me than I can give, and yes.. I can't say no.. that is with my family because in spite of their blindness to my problems.. I love them.

Hope they love me too!!!

Its been about 5 months since I had an asthma attack.. which isn't a problem if I'm awake.. the problem is that I've only had them in my sleep.. and this is where I'm weakest... because when you wake up and can't breathe.. its allot just to try to calm down enough to make sense out of what is happening. If I start feeling bad when I'm awake, its a given I can relax my breathing.. take the emergency medicine.. and physically calm myself down. It doesn't work this way when sleeping.. thats for damned sure.. but its starting to.

I still don't like this because I can't really see the practically of me having to take stuff when civilisation colapses and I find myself without inhaled steriods.. and this is why its important for me to try to find a way to heal myself (and others) so they need no medicines.. and all I can see is a bit of the weakness of the why an illness befalls people but still question how to do the work..

Its a complex situation..because not all illness is spirt as some people believe but I do think some of it is partially to blame...just partially, after all you have to have the occasion, the oportunity for it to happen..

I think I will go listen to a Damned record.. since Doctor Metropolis's music made me think heavily of The Damned and for some reason Be Bop Deluxe... WTF?