Oblivious to the holiday season...

Had you ever been so caught up in the action of things that you had little time for any kind of awareness? Its hard to believe that over a few months how different life can look, how things can change and how we tend to focus on just the exact thing that keeps one from "thinking too much about the wrong thing" (not that there is a wrong thing) (in this case the wrong thing was just about avoiding emotions that were hindering me, such as healthy sadness for the loss of so much this last year...)

I spent so much energy trying to avoid my feelingsd I took it out on everyone again. Its not fair that people are not on my side either.. I think I lost my job.. Its been hard for me to make a commitment to it anyway due to the fact that I need a contract as hard evidence for a commitment to be made with OTHER people's time... so when a contract didn't materialize what was I to do? My health is the shakey ground I am playing on..

In October I caught pneumonia, as this has adjusted life a bit, from being very active to being rather less than active a few more things happened; as I got the "all clear" with the x-ray examination, it has become quite apparent I have Asthma. The treatment (which was supposed to be temporary for my breathing problems) inhalationed cortizone is not easy for me.. my body reacts violently to it.. but not so violent that its life threatening, just enough to be uncomfortable, but it is far more uncomfortable to be breathless and unable to function on a basic physical level. We are reaching for the best dose that I don't have to suffer either as much but its taking alot of time; it has also become obvious after gettting yet another cold, that colds are bad things for my asthma problem...but this is the first time I can actually breath and have a cold at the same time.

Prevention being better than a cure in mind I also took the flu and pneumonia vaccine due to my cronic long time weakness...

The days after I was dianosed with this Asthma thing, suddenly my cat got sick, and then the beloved pet of the last 17 plus years died... spending the holidays without her only reminds me of an empty space of where she used to sleep beside us, and now her earthly body resides in the garden, under the tree which blooms in mini shocking pink rose-like flowers in the spring; in the "ring". When I look there, I'm reminded of how fast and how hard it felt and how I had to explain to my little son all too many times about why the cat, who was a part of all of our lives had died...

"...but why did she have to die?" to answer with a she was sick and old just didn't do as I too am sick and somewhat old... and my son still insists that she is now asleep under the earth in the garden to be somewhat reborn like the tulips and crocus are in the warm spring sun. Its such a beautiful illusion I myself catch myself in wanting to believe it; but I have to play the part of the reasonable parent instead and say that maybe we well see her again.. but not in that way, and not as we may remember her but that when we all meet again, we will know.

This is why I'm oblivious; I'm also very lonely, but hopefull that when things do finally start going "right", that I will be far less lonely in the future but this too is just a beautiful dream, as I should know that I have to continue in the face of hurt and disappointment (not to mention weak health) with little sign of affection and always responsibly being the "good girl".