the more I see the more I miss..

I'm right in the middle of everything, and yet I'm outside.. is this because I am in transition avoiding or about to fall through the cracks in the ice?

Being between realities, it creates the image of "insanity" for many of those who dominate culture.... they never rat themselves out for being as they are even when they techinically FIT their own discriptions of "insane" they never point fingers at themselves.

Hidden undercurrents feeding the culture and wrestling with the mainstream, 9 by Public Image Ltd, Magazine's ex guitarist plays a part of 9, sadly when I went to Manchester his death and then later the death of John Peel; more recently the death of Tony Willson, who proposed Manchester as the second Renessance..Manchester, all which has happened there from Nils Bohr and Alan Mathison Turing.. everything we know today here.. computer and atomic structure.. think think think.. what is it?? My friendships have proven this is a centre point to meet up with those who not only KNOW the structure of the universe but have a serious and threatening effect upon the order of the things relating to how THEY would like us to think.

Whenever I turn.. when I read "The gig that changed the world".. it was amazing how true it is and yet how hidden and even editied out it has been. The idea of 9 has taken me on a small journey through the Syncromystic to a maddening sense.. it was something which was always there but now with the solid confirmation of others who also understand this language of symbols it feels like that dream I just had last night.

Last night I dreamt about someone telling me to go on the journey and not to worry, that someone was there to care for me.. and the problem was yes, in order for me in my real waking life to keep order, I am not allowed to talk about the stuff I see..I've been talking now for so long, and been so oppressed, someone could easily manipulate me out of my need to be loved. Within that, what is new?

I am as I have always been, obviously unplugged from "the Matrix" since born...which doesn't allow a person to be a part of the culture but more of an observer.

I've been studing the "normal" as seen on tv. The "normal" do not go out of their way to form emotional bonds with people they do not chose to, "the normal" do not wish to excert emotional energy on any kind of relationship which does not "pay off".. and yet they throw their emotional energy up to idols and Chris Crocker crying about Britney who can not bring about enough emotional energy to save herself to even care for her family.. but because she is the way she is, she is completely "normal".. where as Chris Crocker, somewhat normal, fanatical... because of his love...like people are in love with the wounded Christ. But unlike the mythos of Christ on the cross, Britney is different kind of sacrifice (not that the myth of Christ is NOT a distraction)... one for the media and all those who will cut off and distract people from reality.. heck I hear they even gave Chris his own tv programe..

Sycronisity just occuring: The fact that I jumped into trying to go to Idol out of the blue instead of ending up there via Malmö as a telephone call would have liked me to appear (I wish I had no life for a moment and a supply of money to do it just because I want to see it all properly inside out) Oh sure allot of what was presented in front of the camera was faked, it always is, and no one can deny that (so hope they don't sue me) But the fact that I had aflicted members of the jury with a bit of my own bad luck which brought me to the point of being there.. as I had to do it.. it felt rather compulsive, nessisary, important..and why?

I had recovered from having pneumonia having had it in October I had several months of bad luck..death.. decay.. diagnosis..I thought.. this could possibly make me feel better about myself and even though more than likly they could never pick me.. I wanted to see where I stood. It seems at least one member of this jury this year got puemonia.. seeing that she was in the middle and that they sacked the 4th member only related to me via Fen Sui that she would be the one to be sick.. regaurdless.. only because she would be in the middle and get all the photos of herself in the middle as well as the tension between the two other members of that jury. How right am I? I think I even have a few witnesses to testify I told them she would become sick this year.

Last Friday as the before the two girls in the final were picked they showed the various people who the jourey supposedly thought were the absolute worst.. and there I was..on TV re editied with a shot of one jourey memeber wearing pink sound protectors.. goodness how I wish I could see the version of what actually happened on the tv.. it would be miles funnier; they really like to make themselves look good.. in spite of it all, I was unprepared, I lost my train of thought when about to perform and then finally I had to really really go to the toilet, which I was denied access to.. but had to wait more than 45 minutes in that area to perform.

Please sue me for that. I could have been better prepared.. but I wasn't I didn't have allot of time to fix what was wrong with me.. or to let my better side show.. but for to be a part of it was interesting because I always like seeing things behind the scenes.. and the one thing I thought was totally against me was invisible. My age, so instead of going on about how old I was.. before hand which my family told me I was and it was hopeless I should have told myself I had just as much chance as any one else. Which I did... certainly..who knows maybe they just want to provoke me to try again? Who can say?