AstroSphinx.se

Do I care that the White House Passes a Cybersecurity bill?

2010-02-08T11:35:00.004+01:00

More stuff going on, I will out of the need to promote some kind of freedom.

People are having problems interfacing with various sites, New Zealand now can not visit www.infowars.com heck, Fire fox's viewer is so put out that it refuses to spell New Zealand any longer. Its one of those WTF moments!

While I still have some net freedom I thought I would post the infowars article since they themselves have said they want as many people to re-post these things.

Just because I don't like Alex Jone's personal style doesn't mean I don't see the seriousness of his message. He's a great journalist, I do see anyone who gets up off of their personal back side and start investigating things as one. People are saying right now that they can not access the infowars sites, but alas they can access porn which any government will tell you is an important part of keeping the "unwashed masses" distracted. But I digress, here is more serious reading:

http://www.infowars.com/internet-censorship-major-truth-providing-websites-blocked-by-asia-netcom-to-new-zealand-users/

Internet Censorship: Major Truth-Providing Websites Blocked By Asia Netcom To New Zealand Users

Clare Swinney

Infonews.co.nz

February 7, 2010

Has Chinese-style internet censorship arrived in New Zealand this year? The question is posed because two major news websites, Infowars.com and Prisonplanet.com, both of which are run by documentary maker and radio show host Alex Jones, who is renowned for exposing the truths the mainstream media attempts to conceal, were found to be have been selectively blocked on Friday evening and were still unavailable at the time of writing.

Thankfully, this draconian measure does not effect all internet users in New Zealand however. It appears to be confined to those whose internet server providers, (ISPs), use Asia Netcom for their international internet traffic. Telstraclear, Vodafone and Worldxchange Communications users are not effected, while Woosh, Orcon, Slingshot, Telecom and Ihug users are.

An avid fan of Infowars.com and a 9/11 truth activist, Jeff Mitchell, reported on Saturday that he contacted his ISP, Orcon, to establish what was causing the block, and was advised by a computer technician who did a traceroute, that the break in traffic to the two websites was found to be occurring at Asia Netcom’s router in Sydney. This technician also advised that as Telstraclear used a different route, their customers were still able to access the two sites.

There have been calls for the Internet to be censored and controlled – and for an Internet 2 by proponents of a one world government, or “New World Order.” This is because the internet as it is, is impeding the global elites’ ability to push their tyrannical, self-serving agendas through.

A clear indicator that the internet is regarded as a serious threat to global elite was evident when on March the 18th, 2009 Senator Jay Rockefeller of the Rockefeller dynasty, a family pivotal in the push for a one world government, [1,2] went so far as to suggest that it might have been better if the internet had never been invented and we went back to using pencils and paper, [3]. While it may have seemed like a ridiculous statement to make at the time, it was an indicator of what the global elite are aiming for and a warning. They want to make it increasingly difficult to get to the truth and they want to regain control of all media.

Consequently, it is of no surprise that Infowars.com and Prisonplanet.com appear to have been selectively targeted, as these two sites present a huge threat to the global elites’ operation. They provide access to credible information, from a wide range of contributors, which has been crippling the elites’ agendas. They have been providing updates on what has been happening around the world, including access to the Alex Jones radio show, which is now the most popular radio show on the internet worldwide. They expose that 9/11, the bombings of 7/7 and Oklahoma City, and the underwear bomber, were inside jobs and that, in fact, many terror-related events are government-sponsored. Plus, they have been pivotal in exposing that man-made global warming and the H1N1 pandemic were hoaxes, and that the Federal Reserve bank is taking money from the taxpayers and putting it in the pockets of bankers, and that it should be shut down.

Hopefully, this block is merely a temporary problem. If not, action may be necessary. In the meantime, you can still pick the radio show up at GCNLive.com by proxy, and read some of the Infowars.com/Prisonplanet.com articles on Alex Jones’ other sites which are still available, including Infowars.net, Propaganda Matrix and JonesReport.com. Also, you can use www.ninjaproxy.com to read Infowars and Prisonplanet.com articles. Plus, Prisonplanet.tv is still accessible and you can still access the shop which sells his documentaries via the link here: http://infowars-shop.stores.yahoo.net/faofreprofba.html.

Keep getting the truth out!

In Peace.

Oh Death!

2010-02-08T09:39:00.004+01:00

There is nothing more than life until it ends, we see it end centimeter by centimeter increments, so slow and subtle it goes beyond our collective perceptions.

It is claimed that we all collectively begin to die as soon as we are born, but this is just an awareness of the fact that we are so fragile in our attachment to this world in the beginning.

I saw a disturbing video just now, one I thought was worth while to post here; not because I want to harm anyone or shock anyone, and not that its not a commonly seen or remembered thing. We all collectively know that animals are being caught and caged, slaughtered and raised for food or fur or leather of what have you for a huge profit, in some cases "pet" animals as in the case seen in China a number of years ago. Although I had pointed out the suffering of fur is just that, someone pointed out that the suffering that occurs with a "pet" animal, raised to trust humans is all the more. Even still wild animals are skinned alive, still looking up at the camera and the skinner.

What are we in the face of this? Who are we? Do we collectively just say its OK? Is this the cause of our own suffering?

Upon the sight of the fox or wolf (I didn't really look because I had to avert my eyes) I immediately saw that this could not only happen to a human, but an innocent human, such as my own son, or someone's baby and that I could not differentiate a feeling to distinguish an emotional difference, and my only safety factor was that I was looking at a video, that it had happened already and that it wasn't my baby.

And yet there are people who will say "it is women and their obsession with fur coats that has caused this, those women are responsible!!!!" Hardly! Their desire for such things is simply based upon what society has agreed that is a status symbol and nothing more, nothing more, and to keep the industry going it relies upon the image of beautiful, young successful and ignorant women (and men). Women who wax (or laser) ever bit of body hair off of themselves, and then compensate with a thick warm coat of fur. Is it warm? Certainly it is! But is it like exploitative porn or rather those "death porn" snuff films, or better yet, is it not anything like buying a kidney off a Chinese teenage girl and allowing her to die so that she can't even spend the money she "earned"?

When is MY life and my body your commodity? Who is buying it and who is earning from it? It goes down to the drugs prescribed to "lengthen" my "suffering" while causing me to pay for every minute of it RATHER than curing me. And when I am considered not worthy of the gift of life and that someone else is much more worth this gift we are all given as creatures and babies of our mother "Earth", someone will sacrifice my life, collect that which is quantifiable and move along, never thinking once of the consequences, never thinking that there is a soul, or energy or essence that has animated my purpose and physical manifestation. And when karma comes to play its roll, they can easily give this karmic guilt to someone else and make their society and culture bare the burden of it. And the cycle completes itself.

I am here to relinquish my "karmic debt" that was never mine to begin with, for I had been coerced into believing that this guilt was mine to take. It was never mine for I am innocent, I am innocent of war, and of a number of crimes people connect to an idea of "race" and the colour that my skin has, which has nothing to do with my blood or genetic background. This "karmic debt" I still must burden if I live in any country which has made choices I participated in in any way, or has made me "pay into" in any way. I must confess I feel innocent of this "crime" but because of my cowardness am NOT, because the only way I could be free from guilt is to speak out. However in order to fulfill this speaking out, I would have to disrupt my "normal life" and the normal lives of others in the process. Allowing for this bliss creates my guilt.

And this is something I have unsubscribed from:

my comment:
"I think after that display I will unsubscribe, because its about men and what men wishing what women should be for men, and although I think there would be no problem with it if people were not targeting races to abort, or classes to abort its basically about men still using women as they wish and never having to face the consequences. You will never see planned parenthood world wide talk of women's health issues, just freedom of sex with men, so why not make an ad vasectomy or responsibility?"

I would elaborate farther and say that this video this video was about giving women the right to choose what men give them the right to choose. But if this is the case than isn't obvious more than often people choose to do things to make life easier? Isn't it easier for everyone involved? Sure, but life isn't supposed to be easy. I believe that abortion is and will always be a personal issue, but more and more its about the commodity of the female body to be used by men as they wish without care of what happens to the female. If it were about women and freedom there would be so much more involved, but this commercial was stated by a "man's man" that a fetus is not even a baby but rather a clump of cells. Well he's a man, he should know, right?

Men, excuse me, if this is anything, its a choice that a woman would have to make on her own, if she has this choice, and certainly, no one is going over to the American planned parenthood areas in the "Black" and "Hispanic" neighbourhoods and saying to them, "please stop, God doesn't want you to kill your baby"... that's because they have a rather racist God most of the time and they don't see a Eugenics agenda in every policy made. Even here, even here... secretly foreign women of the "darker" skinned variety are encouraged behind the backs of their husbands and fathers, mothers and brothers to abort.

This is a part of the spell of a death encouraging culture, you set value upon those who breed, some will have lesser, and some will have more. Those who determine this don't even realize that they do because the indoctrination is so pervasive.

Life is hope, don't make it have to "produce" or show its credits, its papers or its so called "value" because we are all born with the same value, we are all conceived with the same value, what we add to this in love is the thing that gives so much more, but please, if this is anything worth reading, remember to love those who need it the most, those who can not see themselves out of the paper bag of the "death culture" who can not see right from wrong and those who only think that they are furnishing themselves with a little more food on the table when they kill something, and those that have been indoctrinated to accept a pragmatic view of life which excludes the hope of the soul and the life force.

Oh Death! (Camper Van Beethoven)

No more fast for this year, I hope!

2009-10-19T10:54:00.003+02:00

I am happy with the results of the fast, the clearning up of asthma, and now I have stopped taking all medicines. This is often not advised to do so, according to my doctor, its probably not a good idea, but I am very strong on the opinion of NOT taking anything now unless it is important to use. This is where we will come into conflict since I started off with a massive amount of prescribed asthma medicines including a tablet to add to the regular cortizone at extrodinary high doses. Now I like this feeling of NOT having difficulty breathing, although I wouldn't say I am completely clear and free in the sense of "perfection".

I examined my result last friday on the meter, I'm clearly in the green, although I have to say, I may only be within the 90%, but that is still better than at 75% with massive amounts of medicines.. that didn't seem to help clear up the condition. And like all things with side effects, cortizion has an immune supressive quality which can effect the body's own immune reaction to heal from virus or bacterial infection. My fear is that all that medicine was just causing more problems rather than helping me via the supression of inflamation.

I have started eating.. and its been allot, however I don't worry too much about the amount at this point because dipping into the "old fat" may well could not have continued.. the fat that was there, simply was probably something that needed dilution with new fat in order to get it to "move".

Fasting is not a diet program nor is it weight loss, if anyone thinks it is, they need to really wonder what the goal of dropping a few kilos only to grow it back... this is about detoxification and revitalisation, and although I bare more than a few extra kilos, it really isn't about that, because the body can only use up the fat that is easiest to burn, it won't be easy if there is something in it.. like the old built up fat based steriodal compounds.

I will be trying this again in the spring, when I feel as though its time for a more firm cleansing.. but I am very happy with the results. I feel I have won back some of my vitality and good health and for this I am thankful and greatful. I am going to avoid the refined sugar products that would grow undesired bacteria in the intestinal tract and wait it out with some healthy fibers, honey and natural yeasts.. not to mention miso, and naturally fermented cabage.. such as kimchee.. just things that are going to culture my intestinal bacteria into a sound collection rather than a fermentation vat for sugar loving parasites. This can only help me to maintain my recently found vitality.

I am psyched!

Hippocampus and amygdala Part 2,( another situation)

2009-09-20T23:18:00.003+02:00

Hippocampus and amygdala as I mentioned before are the special areas of our brains, the core of our wired in instincts, survival mechinisims, hunger, drives, fear and security issues can be connected to this area. This is the place where they suspect the person with the panic attacks is getting their impulse and illogical fear from, and yet today its more about hunger and fear today.

I tried to look up this issue, this connection with the primal drives that some people have, and I seem to be for some reason wired up to have the impulse for discomfort and panic linked together with my hunger- and this being the seat of these two, the amygdala.

I learned something new while studying about how I was to break my fast properly on a site about fasting, and various types and aspects of fasting, but also read allot of different things from different writters on the site describing some of their personal experiences. One writer was a man who was extremely overweight who took up the fast in order to change his eating habbits, this man's story was very interesting, and in the end of something he had a list of things which were symptoms of problematic relationship to food.

It was the very first time I had seen these various questions, especially concerning how I feel when I am hungry. In the situation of the fast I do not really panic because I kind of know mentally, this is under control, I can relax about this. But I had never really thought so deeply about that panic and discomfort I get when I am in any kind of situation and I am extremely hungry. It does seem to change my entire mood too.

So I tried to look up this word phrase and that was "hunger causing fear or panic" something along that line, and then I was lead to other sites where anorexics talk of FEAR of HUNGER, it was wrong, totally wrong, as I do not fear my hunger and gladly feed it, but its that anxiety I feel, because I am affected by my hunger, the panic is not about fear of hunger, but rather hunger provoking fear and panic.. but it feels entirely physical. Its as if the body almost screams, "If you don't feed me, I am going faint" Its like blackmailing me..

Now maybe its not exactly purely a lack of fear of hunger either, as I contimplate my anxiety concerning hunger, perhaps it is more of something maybe I am denying. But with the fasting, after the fact, the hunger is not in command, its almost freeing me in this way, as though I don't have to be attached to the kitchen, and yet the irony is I am still spending most of my time in the kichen making food... either later, or for other people.

So perhaps I want to deny hunger's power over me? Perhaps so or perhaps not.. its really I think a physical connection that everyone must have, as we all need to eat to live and we can not have a relationship to life without any kind of food, could we? And if we did, would we be as human as we are when we are sitting at the table or sharing a meal with loved ones, families and or friends. We share and food is a social thing, not just a survival thing, its the pleasing aspects of together.

I would find it nice if everyone didn't insist upon eating meals I serve in completely different rooms of the house.. it just doesn't feel right and makes me even more edgey about the whole family, food and eating process. And yet now we end up focusing on "togetherness" in restaruants so as we all eat together and I am supposedly not the one person left out serving food to others.. right? And yet here I am, running about, trying to create nice meals and hoping every time to share it with my family... but the same thing happens every day.

A wise person knows that it is foolish to expect a new result from the same actions.. and here I am, waiting for that moment that they would all sit down here in the kitchen and eat together! Its breaking my heart sometimes..

And then there is this, my fasting, well I'm not eating so I can withdraw from your company which you don't seem to be interested in giving me anyway at times when it comes to food. Ah but never mind.. we will have to figure something out, won't we. Its just that I have become much more emotionally sensitive to the issue now. No big deal.

I would like to have, not only for myself but my family members, a healthy relationship towards food... even if my situation is extremely minor because it doesn't have more than two entire issues for the case of "compulsive eating" or some kind of emotional problem agravated by eating. And yet, the strength of the fear and discomfort is very much this thing that feels as though it has a hold on me.. and yet I do not enjoy grabbing junk food... and do avoid it, I hate potato chips and I almost loathe popcorn when I really used to love it so much..

I do have a profound weakness for knäckebröd, and this and broccoli are the things I imagine eating when I start feeling a bit hungry.. then there are those lovely sallads, you know, the kind like at the sushi restaruants, with the miso dressing.. *drool*
Then there is the fantastic Korean sallad, with rice, with all those various marinaded vegetables and sprouts, and kimchi.. if there was anything I could say I wanted so much in the entire world right at this moment for food it would be one of those sallads and a brilliant starter of Nori Maki... drinking green tea all night.

Then there are some other things I can think of such as chilli lime tofu sallad (from a Thai restaurant).. or even some other vegan cusine that is more like traditional French Crepes..filled with things like spinach, mushroom and tofu!

I love soups though too.. and since I live in the land of the kanterell, I have to say I love mushooms like kanterelles and shitake mixed together.. I have never thought that the two mushrooms could mix with anything other than something plain, but it seems the two aromatic mushrooms like shitake and kanterell are probably the best two to ever put together.

Must sleep, school tommorow, but not for me.

Spending more time on...

2009-09-19T16:54:00.010+02:00

I've finally gotten my birthday pressie.. late but it was a nice thing to get, a new camera because the old one just didn't do it for me and I didn't choose it to begin with..

I am waiting now on just trying to load up the battery, its been HOURS!! Once I get the memory card I can do those long films I have always wanted to do, with such things as condencing five hours into a few minutes.. ect. It has this extended menu and is way too much to believe but, it has some flaws such as, it was hard to find out just how much memory it has built into this bastard and, there was a strange warning about skin reactions to the actual camera itself which got me weirded out... I mean pentax was supposed to be a good brand, from since I was little.. from before I was little.

They call this brand the work horse of cameras, just as the fender is the work horse of guitars.. (and yeah I take note of who is playing what too)

This hard wearing camera has a waterproof, dust proof, shock proof feature.. as well as all that professional stuff that goes into those massive expensive system cameras.. its really compact and extremely light, which makes me worry about stablity with shots but then it has a high range of senstivity such as 64- 6400, that is not bad, and blows freaking stupid Sony bastards out of the water.

Sony since Marlyn Manson signed that developmental contract with you, I have always hated you manipulating monopolies of the explotive entertainment industry, I was forced to use your video cameras in school and your video tape products as well as your cassette tapes.. but finally, if it wasn't for my husbands VIO, I would be free... but no, you still shadow and haunt my every move.

I wonder if PENTAX would be making a computer any time soon, since the camera is already like a tiny computer anyway, you know with massive amounts of extended menues, calenders and clocks as well? This is crazy!

I wonder what I can do with my textures NOW?? Thank you for giving me hope to go outside with my camera and not worry about it anymore, as well as the interest in taking underwater pictures around Gotland, perhaps?.. too bad I didn't get it in gold, but gunmetal grey which seemed like a great choice UNTIL I saw that gold! That gold is really pretty.. I think gold would have been perfect, unless they decided to rename "gunmetal" to platinum, I would go with gold ;)

Perhaps I can give them a suggestion for the design next time? Name the colours after precious metals such as titanium, platinum, silver, copper and gold, and alloys such as pewter, electrum, bronze.. those kinds of things.. just because the colours available although pretty, were just too "toy like", red and blue, nice but not speaking of substance, even calling something "carbon steel blue" or "copper red" would have been better in my psychological impression too bad the colours were not THAT good.

Still, I hope the camera is as good as some of the impressions it has made:
Pentax Optio W80 .

Momus goes in depth on a topic I find close to my heart!

2009-06-08T09:39:00.001+02:00

http://imomus.livejournal.com/428252.html?page=1

This is just too much... makes me sick!

2009-06-04T16:48:00.003+02:00

To think that people have a psychological difference due to "conservitive" compared to "liberal"... even the freaking words "consevitive" and "liberal" are dreadfully inacurate to begin with.

For example the word LIBERAL.. as in "spend liberally" or "use liberal amount".. WTF? That means pretty much that its "generous" or "much" or allot, not "just enough".. but a little more.

Conservitive as in "conservation" to preserve, perhaps with so called "tradition" but seriously, to conserve resources... something I detect people with that conservitive/liberal polarity belief system are not about to do.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/28/opinion/28kristof.html?_r=1&em

But this artical states that there is a psychological basis, that if you feel discusted by things, or sick from things.. you are probably a conservative, or if you feel at ease with some things you are probably liberal. I disagree. I do not believe that such belief systems have THOSE kind of psychological basis. I believe there must be in there to decide to polarize one way or another but for me personally, I would slap my own mother if she asked me to do so for the sake of comedy and not feel too bad, if it were for "fun" but on the other hand, I feel dreadfully discusted by the ground around places where people throw butts and gum on the ground, and bathroom sinks and public toilets...

so that would make me a CONSERVATIVE, under those psychological key points. As my feelings of discust would be simply too much to be labled "liberal". On the other hand I feel that whatever my psychological state is, my feelings of discust actually motivate me to believe that no one is pure enough with good intent because too many people miss the point of why the system wants and DESIRES polarization into two contrasting groups with unbearable contrasting needs..

Even SL splinters... you have to now stand on one side or another.. or be forced to do so. I refuse to be a part of it.. the expected move would either step away or complain and if I did complain, there would be TWO parties to shoot me down.. because my thoughts and my feelings do not fit the bill.

I've always felt that those who stand on the side of "normal" were always just a little twisted, almost perverse.. you know the types, right, people always trying to fit in? Ahhh.. I guess I must be reverse perversed-- I try to find people who fit my definitions.. if I even try. Reverse perversed sounds pretty good but only seems to mean that I carry the same problem the "normal" people have, and that is a dedication to a certain type of mindset, even if that mindset and type of person who I would rather associate with is very different from that of the "other types".

My husband is a very different creature than myself in appearances, but his motives much like mine are quite the same.. and I just recently felt or picked up on something he must have felt when reading something left on his desk.. and then I realized that for some of us, even if its not appearent, we are exactly alike in our core feelings, something that people can not see, nor how they can see via the way we project ourselves..

For the last couple of years I've been getting people from my past getting in touch with me, and for some reason the same topic comes up, usually an apology, but also the comment that I am like this watermark of honesty. And its not just from one person.. actually 3. I think though that the only reason that they assumed this of me in my past was because I was very agressive in my past when confronted with deceptive behaviours because I was very in need of honesty and truth. Family often didn't provide me this early in life, and I soon realized people didn't just tell lies, but believed them too.

I believe this is because of the addictions that many had, and because of addiction people will do or say almost anything to get what it is that they are addicted to..and believe it to be true.

These people are very difficult to read as well, and I have been decieved not just by members of my family with addictions but friends who needed help but were suffering from addictions themselves. Its the worst thing I feel for anyone to go though also because people with addictions are just not themselves..where they would never lie, under the influence of addiction, they not only lie but believe the lies.

And the problem is, they can be addicted to almost anything.. and in any way.. for example pornography and in a psychological way, but could one be addicted to porn in a physical way? I supose so. Religion is also something people can be addicted to, but at least with religion, its a little safer than drugs but some of the same actions are happening, only I would rather see people replace their drug/alcohol addictions with religion, or porn or sex, myself.. because usually these things are considered safe.

I guess it wouldn't be considered "conservative" or "liberal" of me saying people SHOULD be addicted to porn or sex or religon either LOL. Its just weird.. and thus, my own analysis shows I am neither nor, but rather a NA, not aplicable on this list of qualities or traits..

Perhaps this is why I usually find myself split up the middle with certain thought processes and why stupid tests that try to determine if your brain is a boy or girl brain don't work on me.. because I am girly, ( I am female biologically after all!!) but I'm a hard arse, I don't scare so easily.. unless you are talking about spiders.. but seriously, I'm a person who would usually pick up an animal that others simply would not. Bugs, toads, snakes and frogs, snails.. ect, but I am squeemish for spiders and would never want to cut a fish (much less eat one!) I see ladies in their kitchens doing the most grusom of acts.. and I can only cry or turn away or puke..but these are normal things done by women (and men) they put it on the tv too.. call them "cooking shows".. ect.

gimme an apple.. and take me out for tofu. I'm neither nor, not even both, but just as I am, myself. Toss away lables, they do no one any good.

We still are the silent greatness..

2009-03-23T09:02:00.003+01:00

like the soft influence of the wind blowing in the hair.. it comes from the larger forces..

when they talk about change, usually its spoken in the iconic "winds of change".. but we've only been blown about like leaves..

when we spoke with our hearts, our depths and longings.. we are only speaking to ourselves and asking permission to be validated by our strengths..

when we close our collective eyes and yet see.. we find ourselves out in the inner spaces of collective dreams..

when I dream about these destructive forces.. and about fighting with them, am I mearly dreaming of my self or of the struggle to marry two contradictory mates.. or is this something about a world in true struggle?

with delight I come across friendships and feelings I thought I had left behind and I realize that the distance is still needed to sort out everything I feel.

To the gifted ones...

2008-11-05T09:52:00.003+01:00

to get angry at the injustices.. possibly nessisary.. but what are we doing to ourselves with this anger? Don't let them push your buttons.. you are much more than that.. much more than a knee jerk reaction.. look not to others for comparisions... for where you are suppose to sit on the map.. you sit on your own map, everyone has via perceptions their own maps.. the maps are maps, or prisons.. but then some of us prefer maps without bounderies, what are those bounderies? Belief systems, dogmas, religions... that ideas of "what will other people think?".. and naturally "why don't I fit in?"

draw your own map.. remember that you make your own rules.. remember if you program your belief system and hold tight to the idea of you being anything more than a prepetually flexible and percpetive being..the intelligent animal who has the greatest capacity because of its ablity to love.. and believe in love... let us all understand the lessons we find ourselves living within.. so that we may escape the class room of life and get on with the living..

and remember that the illusion of money is simply a belief system we must universally dispell.. after all.. in certain disaster.. heat, water, electricty.. food and transport what are they all really???? will they all simply disappear when larger percentatges of people have no money to pay for them??

Will everyone be kicked out of their homes because no one will be able to pay?? certainly someone has to gain from this if they really wanted to.. but then.. what is it all really.. just because you live in a city or out in the land.. doesn't mean that you are safe from this or that.. what one must worry about is the fact that people are willing to do most anything to keep that illusion.. and for me personally.. all I have seen in the validation of that sick illusion of money has been nothing more than sadness for the lack, greed and death for and from those who are so hot to aquire just a little more of it....

And what is it? it is a bit of value someone else has assigned.. you can agree or disagree with it.. but the end remains as such.. just as with the art world its all subjective.. with a basic outline such as minimal wage.. ect.. (but not when it applies to art you understand.. not when creative people give their soul to a project day and night)

And labour is something to admire.. to work harder.. not to create or imagine.. simply daydreams for the idle..in this society... as a whole.. artists are both the worst and best of people..in this world of "real work".. we are admired for imagining for the whole of the consiousness.. to dare to take up such a chore for those who dare never to imagine... to have others imagine for them. They pay to be entertained they pay to "feel" something.. to free themselves from this storm of a world they consider normal..to take themselves to a paridise or drama of someone else's creation..

but doesn't it take the ablity to IMAGINE to even build a house?.. something of a creative endevour..to create a computer programe.. to be a doctor.. to be anyone who takes place in the human arena..

Somewhere along the line the value of anything is subjective.. what you are willing to pay for it is what is valued at.. think of VanGogh.. certainly he was considered a no less than a genius in his paintings but as all artists... the prices his works have been valued at extremely high amounts of money only due to his lack of presence - his life empovershed and now a romantic ideal of the Suffering for one's art--

the art without the artist to "spoil" the intent always equals money.. the artist alive and well.. to explain his intent always leads them to be valued less unless this artist is like Barnium Baily and can sell the "greatist show on the face of the earth".. ok.. how about ME? I am the greatist show on the earth!! ah but I don't believe in that system.. I give away too much of my self.. where people would pay.. instead its a system of barter or no barter.. I just give it..

Bartering isn't even fair you know.. its based upon a subjective system of asigning value to objects and items.. possibly just as bad as money.. because once you assign value you become tainted with this kind of value system..

So the hours of your day you trade to hold yourself imprisoned to a job that takes you away from your family and home-- if you are lucky.. you are doing what you enjoy so that the value of that.. the doing your joy, following your bliss is offset.. you do what you enjoy.. this is the most important revolution any human can take part of.. but how many just simply find themselves pursuing a job due to the fact that it was the only one they could get for the amount of the money they get paid...

The prison of your reality is making others suffer.. from the point you say "I'm paying for it" to justify your control.. or someone else doing the same to you..

reality is thus.... here we are.. don't provide the illness of assessed value the tools to control your life.. no matter how it goes.. everyone subscribes to it.. try to stop and get a perspective of what it really IS.. define it yourself..

I said to a friend asking me advice concerning money.."money is an illusion, there is nothing but subjective value to back it up.."
"Oooh so you think I should invest in gold then?"...

ah.. I am as mad as a hatter... mad as a march hare...This rabbit hole goes down a long long way.. does it not?

Imagination's playground...

2008-10-31T00:23:00.002+01:00

what is it? its an image of the landscape created in a virtual 3-d world where I can adjust not only the simple physical aspects.. like placing and building objects.. as well as clothings and creating physical likenesses to humans.. but actually fiddle with the weather, the colour of the sun and moon, and haze in the atmosphere..

Perhaps its the reason its soo cool to create film/cartoons there..I can create and capture and edit as I see fit.. its a tool, some people use it for other things in mind.. but like all tools.. you won't catch me cleaning a floor with a silk shirt, or scratching my arse with a hammer or a screwdriver.. (always use the right tool for the job).. this is strictly creation..

Spray Paint..

2008-10-29T13:43:00.003+01:00

(you know how I write stuff always off the top of my head because to edit it would simply kill it? the moment you know, the idea, the stream that it all comes spilling out from.. upon spell check.. the words and the meanings simply melt into some other creature some other idea of "oooh should I have used that word or not??" or "isn't this a better word for that, I am always repeating myself..")

Spraypaint.. for some reason our circles always closed in to meeting each other again with other people from the different end.. same people, we, but you meet them in another place and time and then we again meet each other... how is that always the case with us? Even though you introduced me to Thomas and Dale and Nita and Warren.. we all knew them from appearently different angles.

You invited me to go to the class you went to at Miami Dade.. me a highschool drop out.. walking about and socializing in your gifted class for students who are in highschool but have collage acredited classes.. I used to go there with you quite allot.. I met Warren there.. who was friends with Dale and Nita.. someone you had also been friends with.. or associated with.. all of us has similar tastes in music at that time..although not exactly the same, naturally..

You lot were the Gifted ones... I met my future professor that time because OF YOU.. in Ceramics who had taken me under his wing.. (a Virgo) he eventually met my mother who ended up taking a course with him as well.. and why???? Because she needed to do it.. she had to realize herself as a creative individual.. and because of him, I feel she did... in many ways..(no she didn't have any kind of afair with him)

I ran into him a few years before I took his class at our old hang out "Churchills".. when the band "Human Oddities" played.. it seemed that a student of his, Betty, the drummer at the time.. had invited him.. and there he was.. out to see them at this dingey little punk rock.. bar in Little Haiti.. it was EXCELLENT.. he was just so utterly cool!

I was lucky I can recall Human Oddities name.. but the name of Elmer Craig has finally come to mind.. ceramics professor extrodinare.. he really was a confidence builder, wasn't he? (the school forced a number of professor's into early retirement after they closed down their North Campus Art Department.. that historical department where Dwane Hanson worked upon his life like sculptures as a professer in 3-d for that department.. years previous.. before earning an international name.. )

WE have these roots that are grounded in "greatness" but we are quite like that department.. people have closed the doors on us before our time.. the time was over for an ideal.. a change.. a place where fast food university courses were the thing.. rather than a focus in the humanities that were not immediately quantifiable.. once again, like US..

today I realized I need to actually buy something.. a pair of jeans.. maybe some winter trousers with the sporty fabric and the lining, something to keep me warm for winter while I rumage about Huddinge.. with my son.. my clothes now, after a few years, full of huge holes.. and as I have been an active child.. as an active (no REALLY I AM!!) adult.. I get holes, and I recall the old.. "how do you do that to clothes?".. when everyone else seemed to keep their things all nice and neat and relativly hole free..

I thought about your room.. and I thought to myself.. "how can someone do this to a room?" it looked like you even built a little bonfire in the middle of it and there were black marks on that cream coloured carpeting.. the bed looked as if you never changed it and the books and papers were scattered about..ah.. but it was the way you controled your space.. but still.. me.. inner most me feels content with clutter compared to my inlaws who will see an overturned object on a floor as a sign of mental illness, or a kitchen with dishes stacked up as a sign that intervention is of the utmost importance at this time... when the truth of the matter is, you bitch about my "slobbiness" the more slobby I am going to get you freak.. (she told me she vaccuums the floor 3-4 times a day.. and I said "please don't say that, I am begining to worry about you..")

Invites for a cup of tea with those I distrust and even dislike.. and am considered "antisocial" but come on now.. I would rather, much rather spend my time with FRIENDS rather than fiends...

My husband wants to see America.. I just want to see my friends and my mother... America I don't need to see, I have seen all too much of it.. and like eating with people I don't like, I don't trust the place.. it acts in quite the same way as those other people too.. sort of end up there and getting looked up and down and "assessed".. do I need to be assessed? I mean assessment is fine with an open mind, but people are searching for a catigory to put you into and often that isn't healthy, for them or you.. and that catigory can either be "unclassified" or "sick"...

once upon a time I went to school more than a year before I met you, Avi.. I was in a small town, I was miserably bored with what was on the radio, and painfully injured by the atmosphere.. I created within myself a place where I could understand my insecurity.. I was insecure, but not for the reasons one should think.. I was insecure because.. I knew what I wanted to say, but lacked the courage to say it.. thats what happens when you don't have an idea that other people can actually feel the same way.. you tend to believe yourself as the freak, where as the normal, those who seemed to feel differently or expressed themselves differently or had a different asthetic.. they were not wrong, just undeveloped and unrealised.. and found warm feelings within other things...

So one day, I decided, I got to do what I think looks cool.. oh at first it started out of boredom but then later on.. this expression turned into my "style".. my auntie encouraged me to read the same books as her, but instead I got different meanings from them than she did.. then there were books other people thought were cool those who were older who I asked for "recomended reading" from.. I got things like "Brave New World" and "1984".. which are also things people seem to get completely different meanings from than I did at the time..

Strange.. so loaded up with this.. these "radical" ideas.. these newer perspectives added to an already different, more senstive perspective.. I wasn't too suprised to find my growing attraction for new wave, and then punk rock was validating the ideas I had..

an idea that people invest too much time to conform instead of stand out..for the sake of being acceptable.. but I didn't see that "punk" was the rejection of it, but actually the self directed asthetic.. one needs to grow in order to be more creative and be comfortable with one's self in a crowd of "barbie dolls".. thus friending punks and not just people who radically wanted to shock had always been my goal.. sometimes concerning you Avi, you tended to love the shock.. but you can't grow from the shock, but you force people around you to.. which is actually a valid expression of finding yourself.. but it doesn't get you far when you need to learn something else...

Yet you learned what you needed to.. did what you needed to do.. and here you are.. focused into a lesson to continue the creative growth.. where others have let their hearts die..and sold their dreams for a paycheck to know where their next meal comes from.. ahhh..

In Chicago.. I had moments like.. man.. that is a whole different story.. but in the end.. I'm still the same and so are you.. we are focused upon growing.. where as others are preparing for their own quiet deaths at this moment, via insurance and wills and pension plans.. here we are, gambling our selves in the game of life.

to a friend.. to other friends and relations

2008-09-03T10:26:00.003+02:00

I possibly met you, once, waiting for a bus, which is typical for me to do.. since it seems like I have been taking the bus forever.

Since you were the only cool looking person, you could see that it was easy to talk to you for me even if I was wearing my clothes from work and you thought I looked like a secretary at the young age of 17- which I later got a job as several months later that year.

Odd thing is, for all that you say is wrong with you, for all that people had always said behind your back what was wrong with you, they never really got a full picture of the wrongs which I was made of, in that contrast and all the correct things that made up your character and nature.

I think of you now, so willing to keep in touch with everyone, and think of myself, so afraid to even call my mother and friends who accept me for who I am, just because I was rejected by one person.. one kind of important person as well.. and she has full reason to reject me.

Now when I must focus much on trying my hand at daily tasks and attempts to be successful in an "artistic" way, I always look back to bloggs of people and wonder how they saw our meeting, or if they recall what they said maybe a few years after first meeting me and being my friend.

I am really not so worried that people will not see the same person, but what I am worried about is that I as I am will not see the treasure of their qualities, because I just blind myself with how I express..

I am different but I feel the same... people often shower me with phrase, or curse.. and I get a dose of insecurity everymorning with my breakfast... how wonderful for me to live so restlessly.. no wonder if I have a moment of peace how I run and hide!

And how when I am feeling satisfied, I tend to stay with that until someone complains about what I'm doing.. but things I realize, have a natural course, a life span and I must seek out that end.. and yet not try to being it to life when it's death is inevidable, in letting go of things, neither too early nor too late, we allow things to run the natural course, I assume, but this is a recent feeling, just now.

Like for example a fashion season, or the newness of the next release..book, album, film, they have expiration dates.. however society would like us to believe that everything is like that.. for example someone's tallent as a musician, singer, writer, or actor (mostly actresses) or even mother.. as if there was a "best before" date on all aspects of life and especially of the creative.. when it is only biology or accident which puts down a great sport hero.. unless they believe in that inevidable "past due" date which always seems to lead everyone into self destruction.

No one is immune.. best not try to hide from it, but fight it quietly.. but its the same old fight, just different names.

Eugenics? Mind Control? Biological pharmacology.

2008-05-23T10:38:00.009+02:00

I seriously feel that there is a boldfaced unhidden Eugenics agenda in many countries now.. if it be Illiminati or some other shadow organisation it is thus- some of the prinicipals of the Eugenics is so ingrained in the first half of the 1900's in AMERICA as a form of dealing with forms of humanity as "unwanted" or "unworthy" such as sterilisation of those deemed as such.

Nazi idiology took that even a step farther.. making so called scientific basis for their determination of those qualities of those "unworthy of life".. and today using these so called "scientific" techinques we discover the pharmacological market is taking up all of these practices where these two ideas of "worthyness" takes over.

I see it this way, they control people by the pharmicological alterations.. young children diagnosed with ADHD, and many of these other things which forciblely say in the US that children who have such a disorder will not have the right to school if they do not take medicines which are not only danerous for them but will change the structure of the development of the brain.. I believe that this helps with the process of "mind control" as to totally change the brain is a form of that.

I think there were a few cases of children put into foster care in the States and because of so called behaviour problems force drugs like these.. but not limited to harder substances for other numberless disorders.

Not only that but the willingness of people to accept that they have a problem such as a "chemical imballance" is also a part of this mind control..its like giving the control over your body and mind over to someone else who says "this drug will cure all your anxieties and mental problems" and then accepting, paying and swallowing the poison they give. This is a part of the child of the Eugenics movement- psychology.. to find a biological basis for people to be deemed mentally ill. So right, there is a biological basis for my "synastisae", its the biological structure of the brain and nervious system.. right? It is super connectiviness of the nerves.... the seeing of sound, the feeling of sound, hearing of sensations.. (I had this really brilliant sounding headache the other day, it hurt really bad but it was very musical, and sounded like bells) but then I don't as annoying as it can be at times being that sensitive and hearing something that makes me momentarily blind can happen but not often.. should I be forced to take medicine to make it go away? Because it is different, is this not a biological based mental disorder.. and if I take some drugs that block the overflow of neurological impulses to other sensations, could it make me "normal" and less distracted and even "smarter".. dealing with all the massive disctractions and painful need to focus at times?

Oh well that was just another side line.. I haven't written for a while you see.. the sensation of my emotions is pressing me to go farther with my train of though.. the emotions which are brilliant to the artist.. the death of the conformist who only wants to be like everyone else (even if normality is a myth- part of the mind control they play upon us via media every freaking day if you dare to look at any given program on television).

On a package of your typical antibiotics (to save lives) there are a number of warnings.. people are asked to be careful with them.. but I am overwhelmed with the percentages of people willingly putting brain altering substances such as Valium, Prozac, Zoloft, Ridalin and other drugs, daily into their bodies because some psychologist schooled in Freudian psychology thinks that aniexity or energy is a bad thing and disturbs people.. when its just the system which doesn't allow for the development of people which is the issue.

I won't even get into these new ideas about "bi polar" or Lithium, and various other so called "anti psychotics" (they are not only toxic, but expected to be taken by people on a daily basis... because its the "psychosis" which is dangerous, not the fact that if you take these meds on a daily basis you will shorten your life expectation by 20 years) (obviously a Eugenics point as well as side effects which lead to death or lack of sexual energy)

Sooner or later people will wake up.. but with the combinations of school systems, conformity, television and ideas about what people should feel like or work like (not only that but what you should look like too) I get the impression that mind control is much more common just staring you in the face if you even look around you.. and all these ideas have been here living with us all for the past hundred years, because before then, you pretty much had system which had places for people to cope, within the typical structure of things.

Now an artifical doctrine of forcibly drugging children who are anxious because they never see their parents or don't understand what is happening is going on, and these things were never in effect in the amount of the years previous to only 100 years ago. It was only because nature took over (in the sense if you don't look after and fed and care for your children they would die) even if women and children were beaten the psychosis or idea of it was not as much as in the recent years.

Death was a part of every day life in the sense that if you were to get sick, there was a possiblity you could die unexpectedly.. and we weren't talking about anxiety about driving a car or going to school.. but life and death.. so basicly people had less to really worry about other than that death was always waiting.

I think it helps people to devolop better relationships with people if they really understand this idea.. that A. you don't want to hang around with people you don't like because life is too short; and B. you don't want to lose that love, or opportunity, or chance by fearing commitments and looking for something better to come along.. because you can't live life like that.. even if they did instruct girls to always be chast- not many people waited until over the age of 20 to be married or become a part of a partnership.. wether aranged or based in love. Well its the idea of that it SHOULD work that way.

(Commitment is the new "Death" we fear the most.. the losing of ourselves because we have already lost so much of who we are by the time the first years of school have been finished with us and we wish to be MORE than just another number.. but then the expresson of fear of aloneness also kicks in for many who cling hard to relationships that don't support their expression as who they are because that too is the same coin, so you will see relationship phobics jump from one relationship to another faster than they can change their underpants and still exclaim they don't want to be alone but they don't want to commit.)

Fear of commitment is part of our anxieties.. the anxiety to let people be close inspite of the fact we need friends and family and people who we can trust ourselves with...most see independence as a strength rather than weakness but within most of the independence I see, I see a sense of distance.. the more intrenched one gets in "pulling his own weight", the more I see the perspective of that "everyone SHOULD pull his own weight".. so the empathy for the misfortunate turns often to an indignant "oh I will help.. but they must be WORTHY"... and this attitude can easily shift from that to "I can't help them, they are not WORTHY".

If the person who's "independance" and success had come from a background of struggle and less opportunities, the struggle leaves marks of bitter justification and hard hearteness towards people in similar sitatuations.. in fact I have found more people who came from my background with hardship have become basicly hateful towards those less fortunate based upon "I struggled and no one helped me, so why should I help you.." attitude.

I read this into a institutionalized attitude over all of coldness and lack of feeling for anyone but small babies (and cute animals occasionally).. and those of course are given away at the mother's expense for the price of having that child to escape poverty and hardship. (personally I recommend any woman who NEEDS to give a child up for adoption to seriously consider other options where they can keep the baby..especially IF they wouldn't have given their child away for any other reason aside for hardship and poverty and the fear of being a single parent all alone.)

Now I have an anxiety.. I see the future of people apparently searching for children to complete their lives, in spite of the fact they have chemically drenched themselves in the poision which stopped them from passing on their genetics.. taking in a child or two and exposing them to the same toxic environment dependent upon one chemical or another. Or people having children and given false diagnosis of post partum depression and given massive drugs for them to cope (thinking about the instance of a woman in New Zeeland complaning about back pain to her GP and told she had post partum depression!! I fell down the stairs and had a back pain.. someone I dare you to lable THAT post partum depression! Later on the woman was put on drugs and still had back pain.. after 3 years on antipsycotics they found out she had a slipped disc and was trying to get off the meds because they wrecked her life and her relationship to her husband and her child as a person-- note also a function of isolation, much like the preparing the ground for mind control.)

I have an anxiety that a number of people like me.. statisticly won't have children because of anxiety or failure of commitment as the norm... after all you need a commitment to something to have a child in your life- otherwise you will fail to give them the ground basis for future development.. that one thing to hold structure.. not just that but the basics of love, attention, worthyness. When other people judge what worthyness is on, soley upon a biological or economic worth.. the numbers or the varity of points of view beging to dwindle and conformity and even rabid hate of the different grows so well within the untouched unrealised soul.

I've made a link to the artical that inspired my train of thought here.. it really isn't completly part wholeness of the issues addressed.. and I addressed a few of my own personal agendas instead- after all the personal IS political.

The idea of many a great and MISSING empire..

2008-05-14T10:50:00.003+02:00

I didn't say this, I was not here.

Speaking with my son over a book about cats, we peered into pages.. there the Abyssian cat with golden fur and powerful stance was a life sized cat portrait and my son with all his wisdom pointed and said "that cat looks just like a lion"...a bit more of a puzzle that was on my mind's back side..

Consider this information with grave concern... Today's country Eithiopia was once the great empire of Abyssia.. the Lion of Eithiopia may really have been a small house cat all along.. and thus we think to ourselves about the re written maps of the world.. and the loss of the mighty by the lost translation.

Think think think.. do you know today's names of the empires of old? What IS Persia now? Where is Siam on the map? and why have these names been erased?... People love to quote the bible for the lands of Babylon.. and Isreal.. but since the last few centuries the names have been consistantly eradicated from daily langauge, and you have to wonder what the motive for that is..

I won't go into it any deeper than that but then there is another problem on my personal mind... not that of the erasure of powerful histories for the sake of a small group to maintain power over history, and the re writing it to suit the needs to create "examples" of what has been will always be because we have evidence and can control history. Ok thats pretty freaking big, or what?

I had a dream the other night right after I woke up from one dream where I met Robert Lywellyn and he was a rather nice person and a good friend.. but then I had this dream which had nothing to do with it but continued on with him there.. in character as Kryton but not really..

The last thing I said to Robert in the last dream was.. "If you like AlterEgoTrip on youtube, you will LOVE my Second Life Avatar".. and it was a funny thing and we laughed... because the reason I said that was he cheared me up.. and so I pretty much decided to invite him to friend me in SL.

Anyway in the next dream there were these women, young three of them, but two of them were not major rolls.. just friends to the one young lady who was bent on fighting with me.. and a small boy and a cat.. in a house.. and Robert was there for some reason. I was constantly being hit in the back by the woman.. she was young, thin and pretty but was so angry with me for some odd reason I didn't understand why but I kept stopping to "get her off my back" finally I got tired of this passive blocking and put her arms around her back with my knee to her back and said... "Stop hitting me!!!" and finally her two friends showed up and got angry with me and said... "you're hurting her, can't you see she's not well and has cancer..?" And with that I released her arms and let her go gently and said.. "just tell her to stop hitting me and punching me in the back.." and then they finally left..

Meanwhile there was this little boy telling a story of how his family used to live in this house.. and for some reason there was a twinge of a history there.. as this was a house that in the future was to have all kind of events.. and yet they haven't happened YET.. but when he said that and was gently holding a pet cat.. I could see that this boy needed to change his future or something bad was going to happen but the women in the house were not interested in listening to me but instead would rather argue with me and each other.

After all these conflicts with me in them were resolved, Robert and I walked over to a different location which was like a Red Dwarf set in a way.. and then over there was the arrival of someone considered a "hyper human" or a quantum human..and I thought to myself that time travel had changed them in some way to creating them into a different species..even the way it was written it was like Human with a mathimatical equasion relating to the power of 3.. Human squared or something like that.. and we knew that what I had to do was resolve the conflict earlier and then remove the boy from the situation....in fact my own pain was nothing personal it was just a part of the "journey" I had to take for the investigation, thus the fighting.

And I was told by Robert out of character (and not dressed as Kryton either) that he would leave me a signal to tell me when the present begins again.. as a litmus test to see if the changes had taken effect, as it would be difficult to tell or recall events after changing things and then Holly (the female version) said, we have a problem, we may not have enough energy left for the time jump..but that we had to risk it for that small change.

(ok insane dreams)..not to forget that I talk all too much about one of my fave youtube people.. but never mind.

Medicine or Drugs?

2008-02-13T13:11:00.003+01:00

I don't like taking the inhaled cortizone.. its become easier.. and since they made me take a minimal of 2 doses 2 times a day on a normal day.. its been kind of hard with the side effects.

Then taking this Singular.. is also a part of it.. but this year the allowance for meds (which is somewhere around 2000 kronor) has been exceeded yet again.. due to allot of antibiotics as well as the expense of the two daily meds.

I don't think I would have wanted to choose taking medicine to "maintain" a certain ablity to breathe.. but at the same time.. other people who let their asthma slide down can't even ride a bicycle anymore according to some of the things I read.. so what they are trying to do is maintain a level of quality I'm supposed to have.. and I think to be honest.. for as sick as I was recently (which my family politely was blind to) I think I maintained so much better than the last two times last year.. it was misery.

Now I just got over a Microbiotic infection in the lungs.. I don't want to call it puemonia but thats what the doctor calls it.. I have had colds which ran longer I guess.. but still I'm at least able to walk around.. take the boy to school, and even push myself to skate..I have however some evidence on occasion showing me that I'm not as well off as I think, muscle spasms.. foot, leg, arm, hand, back, neck CRAMPS.. they are everywhere!!

But yes I don't think of myself as sick so its deceptive.. today I'm finally at close to 90% of my 90%... the increments I use to define where I stand are as such.. I haven't come back to 100%.. although in Brighton I was close and the same with Idol.. I was close but still not 100%.. and I'm trying to ignore the percent I'm missing.

It bothers me..I don't want to be in this situation... but I'm doing stuff to work against it, its just that everyone expects more from me than I can give, and yes.. I can't say no.. that is with my family because in spite of their blindness to my problems.. I love them.

Hope they love me too!!!

Its been about 5 months since I had an asthma attack.. which isn't a problem if I'm awake.. the problem is that I've only had them in my sleep.. and this is where I'm weakest... because when you wake up and can't breathe.. its allot just to try to calm down enough to make sense out of what is happening. If I start feeling bad when I'm awake, its a given I can relax my breathing.. take the emergency medicine.. and physically calm myself down. It doesn't work this way when sleeping.. thats for damned sure.. but its starting to.

I still don't like this because I can't really see the practically of me having to take stuff when civilisation colapses and I find myself without inhaled steriods.. and this is why its important for me to try to find a way to heal myself (and others) so they need no medicines.. and all I can see is a bit of the weakness of the why an illness befalls people but still question how to do the work..

Its a complex situation..because not all illness is spirt as some people believe but I do think some of it is partially to blame...just partially, after all you have to have the occasion, the oportunity for it to happen..

I think I will go listen to a Damned record.. since Doctor Metropolis's music made me think heavily of The Damned and for some reason Be Bop Deluxe... WTF?

my new blogg dealing with vitual experices

2008-02-03T15:07:00.000+01:00

I launched my "Other" blogg.. because its about time to talk about the experiences that I have had in a collective virtual community I will create videos on the topic.. have contributions and interviews..but I most of all wish to take a philosophical journey where the idea of things as matterial only is no longer valid.

When I get a gift or a prise in a vitual world.. did I actually get anything at all.. a person close to me would argue.. "fake things in a fake world.." but I argue back.. with the following questions:

"What is real? Is an idea real? Is a website something you pay for.. is that something unreal? Is contact via a telephone, more or less real than contact via other methods? Is anything "real" in need of being measured in a sensory quantified way or is anything that isn't measured by matterial means logically "unreal" or "fake"?"

With this in mind.. its easy to poke holes in lots of ideas such as faith and love, religion, belief systems.. but we all come back to perception with them.. so thinking differently about it all.. its not always a winning blow for the athesists.. because this is about anyone who is stuck in a mindset where all things must be defined by the here and now.. and quantity.

But my happy drug, my happy pill is not a pill.. but a state of mind.. also immeasurable.. like love.. one of the most important unquantifiable "things" in the world. What about "words"? People every day pay for words.. words are huge buisness for those who know how to use them or sell them..

Useless words fill up books and make huge amounts of money.. for the "right people".. but here I am.. thinking of Douglas Adams.. someone who's words filled books... many many books.. and filled the air when he spoke. I think that he may have approved of this different reality since his creation of Starship Titanic was very much in line with the ideas of a vitual interactive world. Even his writings had more innovative interactive creations than in any of the William Gibson books.. Adams wanted to just create "Starship Titantic" without a book but his publishers wouldn't allow for it.. so he pretty much made someone else write it.. because he didn't want to deal with writing but rather brainstorming and creating.

Yes.. in a world where Myst and Riven were very popular, Starship Titanic the video game was an intersting interactive situation where you would actually interact with the characters. Some people have taken it much farther and have created whole world games on SL.. making it an interactive gaming world, but they stick to their rules insanely, is the complaint..

I want some of that feeling I stepped into a new place.. I like the feeling of being a bit of an armchair adventurer whilst cliff diving and chatting with friends.. its an awesome feeling to see an image of yourself doing things you would never dare to do.. or maybe not fully dressed in an evening gown doing!!!

:)so this is why I decided to make a new blogg! To cover that "unreal" area of my "life".. and stay totally virtuous..

Secondhand Daylight

2007-12-28T10:15:00.000+01:00

Sitting around thinking about what word associations come to mind when saying the phrase "Secondhand Daylight"... the title of a Magazine album..

Yes.. I think I have enough secondhand daylight. For now anyway.

I'm happy to say..

2007-12-21T05:42:00.000+01:00

Bring it on you silly pansey.. I'm going to print up your letters if you give me any trouble. Got it? Spam me and you will be tracked down like the dog you are. Have a nice day!! Oh and the word pansey is far too good for you, but I have no need to call you what I really want to, as I don't think that will help your anger issues.. :D

sunday night's dream

2007-12-11T09:54:00.000+01:00

I dreamt I was supposed to do something, something with a boat, and so I needed to put down a deposit for it, using a credit card.. this boat was a huge cargo ship, and there was a deadline, but the problem of the deadline was there was a huge storm with huge swells and overwhelmingly rough seas.. and there was no way to dock this huge ship.. I was thinking all along the way about the music for "I am a whale" for a project I was thinking of working on.

Because of the stormy seas I was naturally delayed, but what could I do? There was nothing to fight against due to the fact, one can not fight against the weather, one has to wait it out.. no point in being frustrated either...The seas were nearly black and the boat was being tossed about, but the only thing I could do was stay on a steady course at sea until there was an opening for docking and delivering my cargo. All the while when I was out at land and yet navigating the ship at the same time, I was observing from outside of the situation. And people would come up to me and say how brave I was.. and one said it was like personally getting out there and swimming with the sharks.

Still waiting it out I guess..

***************

Next dream just under the situation of a nap (I do need those!) I was dreaming I was working very hard under the day and when I got home, I took off my head (as though even my body was removable.. like some kind of costuming) and then I noticed something and it was a little star-like creature attached to my head.. it was like sea life.. very fine and transparent but also light and feathery like a baby jellyfish but with the tendrils like a barnacle..and it took a look at it, and it was hovering there over my head, from my physical body.. and I had to ask it, had it been there all along? And I motioned it over to me, standing in front of a mirror, and it could be seen along with my "real body" or other body.. and it was like an iceberg in the sense that even though it had a physical presence it had invisible physical presence.. hyper dimensional with its dimensions stretching into various places, both physical and not apparently physical. And it finally after I spoke to it it answered me.. and was like a pair of lips whispering in my ear, which were not as seen as its barnacle feathers opened and closed like speaking lips.. and it said.. "I want to be with you.." and then it's invisible tendrils grabbed me all over my nerves and said "I like being with you..it feels nice here"

I won't get into the other details though.. but when I woke up or about to wake up, it was like I was growing wings or something.. like this creature was a "halo" over my head and it's merging with my astral, physical, hyper dimensional body was creating me to grow differently.. but the sensation of sprouting wings was both pleasing and uncomfortable at the same time. And now it feels like my senses are under constant attack of sensations.. vibrations, which previously were there, but I am becoming even more aware of.

This doesn't explain however this constant need to move the top mattress back every night until last night where I FELT that mattress move right under me.. making it difficult to sleep...if this is a sign I'm in trouble.. please someone let me know.

Holmes Comet: Cover up?

2007-12-09T22:46:00.000+01:00

It was weird how there hasn't been any big time coverage of the comet story- there has been coverage of 9-11 to the teeth of every country around the world and yet.. something we can all go out and look at remains a virtual no man's land to the international news media owned by a small handful of people..

I've been waiting..

Comet Information via Space Weather site

But what is it exactly I am waiting for? I am personally waiting for a few top stories to explain why they haven't reported on it after so many weeks... what happened with the comet and updates possibly daily about what is happening at that time just to be fair... what am I going to get? (insert video with just static here)

Show me CNN, BBC, SKY and other Mass media agents report it.. I wonder if AlJazeera English is reporting on it? Guess not just took a look there, and in spite of covering topics orphaned by the other mainstream, it too is very mainstream and focused upon its own areas... I wonder who owns them all? I wonder if they are somehow told to stay away from a nice little story about an object which was unpredictable..

I wonder if they would report any near earth object which happened to be in the area.. after all every month there are thousands of near earth objects we can see.. just skimming the atmosphere of our planet.. but I thought that this was a fact of life of looking up at the sky and having astrophysics and astronomy and astrology as interests only make these realities a daily part of our existance as well, for me anyway.

If you live under the sky, and you see the stars, what happens if one falls?

My son asked me about what would happen if we could touch a star.. what am I supposed to tell him? Am I supposed to lie to him and say... We all want to touch the stars... or am I going to tell him that A.) they are very very very hot.. B.)they are so huge that gravity would rip us apart if we got too close and C.) even if we just leave the atmosphere of our planet the solar winds would probably rip us to bits with excellerated particals (which we are trying to stupidly replicate on earth) which shoot through all forms of matter, possibly creating holes in our regeneration system of our gentic make up..

No sweety, you can't touch the stars but you can feel the sun touch you when you feel the warm sunlight on your skin in winter.. and imagine this.. if you got any closer, you would get burned. Ah never mind.

anthropologists, propaganda, our past..and an alterative history

2007-12-06T08:51:00.000+01:00

Every day I am in awe to hear this constant propaganda about meat eating as being a part of our humanity by people who want to classify us as 97%-99% of the same genetic material which made up the great apes; our cousins.. the chimps, the gorillas, the lesser chimp, and the orangutangs.

Scientists, anthropologists and paleontologists would have you believe the story about a point in time where we separated.. where we became tool users (which the primates already ARE and so are many birds) but also let us believe that no outside interaction happened.. and said that to believe that we didn't mearly create ourselves would be problematic and that no extraterrestrial life form encouraged us either... but most of all, it was via eating meat they would like us to believe that we EVOLVED our huge brains..right.. OK just on a purely science as a here and now sort of thing: Lets back up a bit on that meat eating thing..

I was told never to bring this up because A.) people will think I'm a vegetarian nut case... B.) I have no so called scientific background, and C.) Because it upsets the idea of "known and proven" scientific belief.

OK I'm bringing it up with all those disclaimers in mind.. but I think when we consider evolutionary theory, on a purely nothing other than ourselves.. and focile histories we have been given (I'm certain there have been hidden fossil evidence as well considering the domination of many of these ideas) Take for example the laws of energy; lets look at those who are closer to our size and form, the chimpanzee, it has less body fat, so much so it can not swim, or possibly float on the water and is often afraid of going to close to large bodies of water. Its energy needs for the body type they have, close to 4400 (I think I may have that wrong and its exponentially more) calories for a "normal adult sized chimp", what about us as machines? what about our calorie needs? Well the thing is we humans need less calories and function much better for walking long distances... a normal adult human who is rather active but maybe not so athletic needs roughly about 2200 calories.. and this an office working laid back adult. To keep most small framed female bodies at their full potential the daily recommendation of calories is even less.. and it goes down every year... we need less calories is the bottom line and we burn less calories than chimps do attempting basic things such as walking and moving about.

Now what is interesting is a chimp is constantly eating because it has to find its own food.. and does so with relative ease, in spite of the demand of even just moving forward.. if you compare the energy needs of a chimp just walking about, well, you know that they don't really stray more than 6 kilometers a day from a circular area looking for food.. but they can go off for many kilometers.. the idea I have is, we developed like the horse.. the small fossil fragments of bone found concerning the development of horses shows that they started off as rather small things, like mini deer and grew to dominate the flat landscapes..becoming more and more energy efficient but with that also becoming a very muscled creature..

Understanding the found fossils of the various stages of Australopithecus (did I even spell that correctly?) there were ranges and sizes of this species in the hominids which dominated up into the ages of homo habilus and Neanderthal man..but the complexity of the question people often provoke about these various creatures of man co habituating is, did one just dominate, and knock the others out of existence or do we have a various genetic contribution from many sides..

Even of not... could some of these various breeds of hominid be a part of our ancestral consciousness and times of the gods, such as The Golden and Silver ages? The mythical analysis shows many many types of humans.. even in the biblical myths but why is it we only believe in one? After all even in older biblical texts the myth of various versions of female such as Lilith:

I read one translation of a text speaking of how many versions of Eve there was after Lilith and how he rejected all of them until he got to Eve because one was too hairy or one was too something else.. but then Adam was supposedly put to sleep and his rib taken and they he awoke to a bejeweled Eve dressed in splendor and he couldn't resist her.. (now that sounds like alien intervention if I ever heard it!!!) If I was using the other computer I would have all the links lined up.. but I have yet to find those stories... so I will put this up as I edit, heck even help me if you wish.

But.. if its all about fossil records and such.. understand there is no straights forward line to humanity.. and also understand that maybe humans have developed a taste for meat, in general but this too has no baring upon our development of energy efficiency.. in fact it is shown that the less meat populations eat in general, the more I see a shift towards an ability to be even more fuel efficient.. that our calories are lower but our life span rises.. and this may be a problem for those wanting to control our bodies via sickness and economic hardship. I see it as control situation.. Maybe some Christians see the non-eating of cows by Hindus and the non-eating of pigs and shellfish by Muslams as harming the people..

I used to hear lots of things when I was younger from people who believed that world hunger would be eradicated if only Hindi ate cows! It turns out to be quite the reverse.. if people gave their food to cows to eat, to produce meat (instead of the letting them roam free and getting milk from them) there would be overwhelming starvation.. imagine the energy involved with the production of food that only goes to cows? Meat in other words would make the equation for starvation even more severe.

But never mind me.. I think that humans developed they way they did because there was a paradigm shift.. energy to stop and think, and yet energy to be efficient movers. Chimps can not go the same distance we can without burning up more calories.... and this is the bottom line, this is a surplus of 100% How does that translate? Well it means we need to move or get fat, which is something we know isn't good for the brain.. but moving too much and eating too little also has much of the same result... less ability to think.. so the action is a flexibility.. a flexibility of movement to the need for intellectual stimulation, other wise the relationship between the brain and the body becomes disturbed.

Too much body and not enough brain and you become one of the walking "sheep", not everyone, but the stuff which happens on a biochemical level can not be excluded.. the energy to the brain gets a temp shut off when exercising.. its just that way.. the higher functions don't get as much air time.. but too little movement in the body and the brain is getting overwhelmed.. so something easy like yoga is probably a great thing to do every day because it feeds both body and brain... and weather we like it or not, this competitive nature between body and brain is a part of our human/animal experience.

Like the symbols we see always, the Centaur (also the symbol for Sagittarius) wise but strong in body. It speaks to me and says that we can be as strong as the beasts we come from but also we can be ourselves, what ever that maybe.

I will edit as I go. As usual, but I put it out to see the direction I am going in... and suggestions and links will be added as well.

I still freakn need more sleep.. why why why?

2007-12-04T09:59:00.000+01:00

aah yeah feeling a bit under the weather.. why do we say things like that.. (under the weather)? ok the weather is what I am under, its been rain blended with snow.. wet, damp, cold.. but no more than I can handle, I suppose.

How do I line up a few things in my thought system?

Ok for one, this pisses the most ordinary people off when I say some of the following things:

9-11 is a joke, as in the song.. a magic trick.. right; not that it was really a joke, but rather serious, but like a self afflicted wound. I wouldn't call it a wake up call, there are enough things about to be considered wake up calls... just step outside.. people may not be the foul people that the television shows.. but the concentration of disenfranchised people is growing; heck I'm one of them!

I don't believe the myth of over population; if so why all the problem with western infertility? Oh if people in agricultural growth areas are so overwhelmingly swimming up to their ears in people.. then doesn't that help reassure there will be families to work the land in the proper sustainable methods? My neighbour from Jamaica came from a family of 14 children.. and it worked because all of them worked the land they had... they also protected what they had. I am suspect to think that governments do not want large families for this reason alone... so they send out the young healthy men (and women) off to war.. and then no population problem.. right? And then so called feminists promoting the economic boom of China (but not the draw back of China as a huge human rights violator, who kidnaps women in the middle of the night and forces abortions on them!!! is that very female friendly? fuck no!!) But for lowering population, and economic gain, there is this urge to take the population there is and make them work for minimal money.. and destruct their local environment for the sake of maintaining this economic boom sustained by a smaller number of people.. because when you have cheap electricity, you don't need actual people running things.. and then they will do away with people all together eventually.

In many other regions in the world there is actually a decline in birth rate..personally fertility issues should only be considered when people are not willing to take care of the children they produce.. there is also a sort of new fascist idea with that control of the embryo itself.. the choice of gender, making all of us god-like.. and then the choice of bringing to term a child which may be considered "defective"..then again there are rich people who reproduce (such in the case of the McCanns) via test tube.. bringing joy into the lives of people who would not normally have children...see the irony there? And then in the issue of adoption, when the mother could be fit but is bound by the social contract of being less than perfect for being unwed and would normally consider keeping a child....

Then there is for those people who would adopt, within a very racist system.. they demand the children be WHITE... (unless you are now Maddona or the other trendies who should be adopting whole villages instead of just one small child...) (in fact because of the growing problems of the epidemic of aids in various places where biological warfare has taken place due to civil war and rape.. whole entire villages are completely destroyed and vultures are sucking up money to reach these places... as well as the corruption of how things function within a system like this.. why don't the freaking celebrity bitches get over there and just buy the whole country and prevent another child from becoming an orphan.)

And then global warming.. sorry... this is a human problem.. even if there is contribution by the changes in the sun.. I have to say taking care of and respecting the environment is an issue even if there is no earth tomorrow due to a comet landing directly in the middle of TEXAS...when most of the pollution which makes local places unlivable is due to the fact that people are not using sustainable technology and there are a billion untested chemicals in the air, water, earth, you name it.. and we are killing off thousands of species a year... its in our human hands.. but this is not an Al Gore elitist prize winning thing..

Why do environmental communities directly leave out the ecological pressure of raising animals for meat?

Why do they never talk seriously about the land's ability to produce food for humanity and putting an end to world hunger?

Someone told me that even today, world hunger could end.. because its not because there is not enough food to go around.. its because there are not enough people doing anything about the distribution systems... and because of corruption, lies, greed and all the human qualities we seem to have so much of these days.. but honestly.. do we?

Humanity the direction of people in general: well many people who have power do believe they get there because they don't waste their energy or money..but the epidemic of people who care being marginalized is a part of this sad story.. so if you care, if you are a human who can connect easily with other people on an emotional level and can empathise, congratulations.. but we put conditions on our emotional energies.

The so called Normal people limit their feelings to a small group of people they themselves pick.. other than their families and families do allot of justifying of feelings.. both wrong and right. This is world wide.. something has happened to create our generation, in the west.. the lack of commitment towards personal relationships, our children, our neighbours, even our extended families and yet putting on seasonal shows of affection are part of this facade. I believe the majority of people are controlled this way by the steady pre prescribed heartbeat of the seasonal tides.. shopping season... tv schedule, work schedule... and anything which doesn't fit within those parameters.. it falls wayside.

And when we lack energy.. there is coffee.. and when we still lack energy... there is some kind of pill.. all to sustain our daily task without outward rebellion after all, we have to work..

I think that the way the work system is run, and this is throughout the entire world.. with the majority of us working 40 hours a week.. is just to sustain the time which our personal time is bought and sold.. and upon these designated time schedules we drain ourselves but also contribute to the draining of resources.

There must be some kind of greater force out there which really wants us to be dependent upon this kind of system... where your time is not your own, where you are forced to use some kind of machine or use resources you wouldn't usually use during your time when you are at home.. but the collapse of economy is not my goal but the global system the way things are set up now, if we didn't need all this stuff, we wouldn't make all this stuff.. and if we didn't have machines, we would be buying our stuff directly from people who are making it.. with their hands, or we would make it ourselves.. within this kind of system we would be smarter, just based upon the thought involved with understanding where things come from, something we completely neglect when everything comes from the shop, and cheaply and then tossed out again when we don't need it.

Being a part of the second hand economy for the majority of my life makes me believe that maybe it is better to invest in good which are long lasting, durable and look good... rather than first hand cheap crap. And this applies to homes as well.

My hypothesis is if someone could cure all the problems of the UK, the garbage problems with the landfills, recycling problems, housing economy problems associated with the housing boom over there right now.. and the transportation problems as well as racial relation and educational problems.. all of it in a sustainable way.. this would translate to all the problems in the rest of the world..just take the city of London at this point in time; cure it of all its problems without a police state, and import this problem solving.. and you have the cure for the rest of the world.

Now someone get to work on a simcity London with all the faults and flaws of the system the way it is, and get the youth to work on it... for free.

the more I see the more I miss..

2007-12-03T09:58:00.000+01:00

I'm right in the middle of everything, and yet I'm outside.. is this because I am in transition avoiding or about to fall through the cracks in the ice?

Being between realities, it creates the image of "insanity" for many of those who dominate culture.... they never rat themselves out for being as they are even when they techinically FIT their own discriptions of "insane" they never point fingers at themselves.

Hidden undercurrents feeding the culture and wrestling with the mainstream, 9 by Public Image Ltd, Magazine's ex guitarist plays a part of 9, sadly when I went to Manchester his death and then later the death of John Peel; more recently the death of Tony Willson, who proposed Manchester as the second Renessance..Manchester, all which has happened there from Nils Bohr and Alan Mathison Turing.. everything we know today here.. computer and atomic structure.. think think think.. what is it?? My friendships have proven this is a centre point to meet up with those who not only KNOW the structure of the universe but have a serious and threatening effect upon the order of the things relating to how THEY would like us to think.

Whenever I turn.. when I read "The gig that changed the world".. it was amazing how true it is and yet how hidden and even editied out it has been. The idea of 9 has taken me on a small journey through the Syncromystic to a maddening sense.. it was something which was always there but now with the solid confirmation of others who also understand this language of symbols it feels like that dream I just had last night.

Last night I dreamt about someone telling me to go on the journey and not to worry, that someone was there to care for me.. and the problem was yes, in order for me in my real waking life to keep order, I am not allowed to talk about the stuff I see..I've been talking now for so long, and been so oppressed, someone could easily manipulate me out of my need to be loved. Within that, what is new?

I am as I have always been, obviously unplugged from "the Matrix" since born...which doesn't allow a person to be a part of the culture but more of an observer.

I've been studing the "normal" as seen on tv. The "normal" do not go out of their way to form emotional bonds with people they do not chose to, "the normal" do not wish to excert emotional energy on any kind of relationship which does not "pay off".. and yet they throw their emotional energy up to idols and Chris Crocker crying about Britney who can not bring about enough emotional energy to save herself to even care for her family.. but because she is the way she is, she is completely "normal".. where as Chris Crocker, somewhat normal, fanatical... because of his love...like people are in love with the wounded Christ. But unlike the mythos of Christ on the cross, Britney is different kind of sacrifice (not that the myth of Christ is NOT a distraction)... one for the media and all those who will cut off and distract people from reality.. heck I hear they even gave Chris his own tv programe..

Sycronisity just occuring: The fact that I jumped into trying to go to Idol out of the blue instead of ending up there via Malmö as a telephone call would have liked me to appear (I wish I had no life for a moment and a supply of money to do it just because I want to see it all properly inside out) Oh sure allot of what was presented in front of the camera was faked, it always is, and no one can deny that (so hope they don't sue me) But the fact that I had aflicted members of the jury with a bit of my own bad luck which brought me to the point of being there.. as I had to do it.. it felt rather compulsive, nessisary, important..and why?

I had recovered from having pneumonia having had it in October I had several months of bad luck..death.. decay.. diagnosis..I thought.. this could possibly make me feel better about myself and even though more than likly they could never pick me.. I wanted to see where I stood. It seems at least one member of this jury this year got puemonia.. seeing that she was in the middle and that they sacked the 4th member only related to me via Fen Sui that she would be the one to be sick.. regaurdless.. only because she would be in the middle and get all the photos of herself in the middle as well as the tension between the two other members of that jury. How right am I? I think I even have a few witnesses to testify I told them she would become sick this year.

Last Friday as the before the two girls in the final were picked they showed the various people who the jourey supposedly thought were the absolute worst.. and there I was..on TV re editied with a shot of one jourey memeber wearing pink sound protectors.. goodness how I wish I could see the version of what actually happened on the tv.. it would be miles funnier; they really like to make themselves look good.. in spite of it all, I was unprepared, I lost my train of thought when about to perform and then finally I had to really really go to the toilet, which I was denied access to.. but had to wait more than 45 minutes in that area to perform.

Please sue me for that. I could have been better prepared.. but I wasn't I didn't have allot of time to fix what was wrong with me.. or to let my better side show.. but for to be a part of it was interesting because I always like seeing things behind the scenes.. and the one thing I thought was totally against me was invisible. My age, so instead of going on about how old I was.. before hand which my family told me I was and it was hopeless I should have told myself I had just as much chance as any one else. Which I did... certainly..who knows maybe they just want to provoke me to try again? Who can say?

yeah most people know my name by now..

2007-12-02T22:43:00.001+01:00

Thought this was cute.. took it from Adam Star's page.. but is it really ME? Who can say, being an AstroSphinx, who can really know the "real me"?

I see the fox as being in a world half way between cat and dog.. urban and yet out in the landscape of the countryside.. the one who lives in areas of transition, and with transition comes the need for flexiblity and the ablity to transform situtations which can be crisis, to advantagous conditions.. this is how I see it.. then it would ring much more like me.

In Japan there are lots of myths about foxes as well.. not to mention that I recently said something about the Brittish Queen giving up fox hunting and shooting at ex MI6 agents instead.. ;) (in my dreams!!)

But the name Inachus is a river god and only seems to have a relationship to Greek mythology... but there are some Egyptian referances. There is a relationsihp to the Eleusinian Mysteries..

But a fox and a river (frozen) are symbols we see in the last two of the 64 hexagrams of the I Ching.. a fox crossing a river.. personal referance with that was that the last reading I did for myself personally was number 64.."Not Yet Completed" or "Before Completion"... it is where a fox is trying to cross a frozen river and not get his tail wet.. or fall through the ice for that matter..it is a symbol of water and fire.. moving towards each other.. if you take it apart, the fox being the fire walking on the water of the icy river..

I got it with 3 changes last time.. changes to the inverse number hexagram 46 "Assending" or "Pushing Upward"..(Earth over Wind) Image of a sprout growing from under the earth to reach above ground..

daytime napping.. just because I need to

2007-11-29T22:34:00.000+01:00

Funny thing about dreaming.. If I don't write it all down, something comes along and knocks it out of my mind.. for example the night before, I don't recall after going and taking a nap in the morning.. yeah.. I needed to sleep.. and something I've been doing is when I realize I am dreaming, I start "meditating".. and within this, I've been making a positive attempt to "heal" some of my aflictions as well as understand some ideas of perception.. on of which has been Time and Space.

As I started to dream this morning, I dreamt of voices.. and thought to myself in the dream, "if I dream I am hearing voices, does that mean I'm "suffering" from some psychotic break or something like that.. and yet, when I woke up inside of the dream and explored aspects of the rooms and places within my home which has become somehow different with perspective, it seemed within this dream, this exploration was about getting help and daring to touch thing things which were the exact things which could harm me..

In my waking up into this dream, I dreamt my son was at home with his grandmother (our home IS connected by a hallway in real life) in the dream the hallway is much larger and that the house itself had changed and I was walking around with my son exploring these areas between the two areas of the house.. the inbetween areas. Then I saw a lady, she was a social worker or someone from his school, and she wanted to say hello to me, and she brought a whole group of people with different animals, some of which were dogs of various breeds, cats and even a large black panther... and I was talking to this lady and she explained that my son didn't want to make contact with any of the animals.. and the lady said it was because he explained about our pet cat dying last year.. where as I wanted to reach out and pet every one of those animals.. including the panther.. but then I was told after I touched the panther that it was very dangerous to do and that I didn't have permission.

Upon them leaving, with the animals, I thought the animal "therapy" would have been a good way to open up my son to social contact with new people..

lets see.. last night and an hour ago

2007-11-27T23:05:00.000+01:00

Last night one of the last dreams I had was about my husband going out of town for work, but this was strange because I thought he could drive home instead of having to stay over night.. but it was not as close as I could see.. everything was very close when I looked at it, but in reality, the distances were much more. Then I was walking around, and ran into an old friend of mine, and she was upset.. and wanted to go to the petshop.. and for some reason there was a pet shop right in front of us.. but it was me who went inside first, because the owner didn't want her in there.

And the owner of the pet shop had some puppies, two litter mates, (dogs this time, not cats!!) and he was taking the netting off of them, as though they had come from a place, and then packaged so they couldn't move and then unpacked, and I thought it was not only weird but cruel.. but I didn't say anything because I knew my friend wanted to come in and buy some pets.

I talked to the owner as he was unpacking these puppies.. they were fluffy, small and black, and resembled chow chows.. I think.. sort of tiny black dogs which had a resemblance to lions..and they were running about and finally I seemed to have pursuaded the shop owner to let my friend in. When I got to the door, she was crying and I didn't understand why..but the dogs were running about, unsupervised.. then the puppies were near a small child, nearly a baby.. and I recall that one of the dogs bit the baby, and then the baby bit the dog and really injured each other and then a seagul bit the baby.. and it was getting difficult because I was wondering where the baby's mother was and how to help the baby.. then I suddenly woke up.

20:00-21:45

Tonight while I was resting by my son I fell asleep and dreamt something about being in a point of observation..like a high point from a tree or high house or something, but being able to see the whole landscape from where I was, as if it was a perspective I lived in to keep me from danger.. there were things on the radio and tv..(although in real life I rarely find myself involved with either one when I'm alone) and it was as if everything was in syncronicity.. like the messages I was getting corrosponded with what was happening but these messages were directly for me.. and I just remember thinking allot about the existance of the 3rd eye, and started meditating in my dream... and brought myself out of the dream state into an awareness of the patterns I was seeing around me and my room at the moment although my eyes were closed.. and I thought about the ablity to see without eyes... and gradually woke myself up bringing sensation back into my physical body.

Last nights dream..

2007-11-26T20:33:00.000+01:00

Now I supose you know by now I have at least about two to four dreams every night! This is typical of me, but sadly I don't always write it all down.. the last time I got into a binge about writing all of my dreams down, or at least the lion's share of them, was about two years ago.. or actually previously to that, because it was about two years ago when I really kind of stopped keeping up with it.. sadly, I wanted to have a few different bloggs and such to keep up with my many many dreams.. and I my very very first web site was actually a home made "blogg" but more like a dream journal with artwork starting in 1998...

I wrote down so many dreams and they were over the course of about only two weeks, and then because of a computer cleaning (it wasn't my computer) My easy Html program without having to understand a stich of html was sort of uninstalled.. so there went those updates until I reinstalled the program and redid everything.. but it was too late, things changed.. it was via this page I met HIM.. this wonderful strange person I fell in love with:

I dreamt of him last night; I dreamt that we were going to meet up with a friend which was a pen pal at about the same time we met, but then became a friend to both of us.. we were supposed to meet up with him in London, but due to the flooding in and around the Birhmingham area, he was unable to travel out to see us.

So in the dream my husband and I were making plans to meet up with E. and he was staying someplace and I was really happy to see him, and it seemed that for some reason he knew about my youtube account and was very interested in me bringing my guitar to where we were meeting up. Later on I am suposed to do something, and so I take the train by myself all the way to where my husband is, and I thought about it, and felt slightly anxious about it, but at the same time, really good to be out traveling on my own and thought, it will be good to meet up with him again.. and while I was on the train, I took out my off white fender strat and started playing while I was on the train.. and it felt really ok.. that I could do it..

So picture this, me on a moving train, watching the landscape go by on a public space, no one was complaining about my playing and people were just doing as they do, some were watching some were not, and I was enjoying myself and happy that I was going to meet up with my husband and friend.. nice dream.

last night's dream..

2007-11-25T23:09:00.001+01:00

When I was a child the most re-occuring theme I've had was a tornado theme...

although I had a few other dreams last night, the most violent was towards the end.. in its relationship to all the other dreams of last night, it was obviously isolated by a definate start.

It begins off with me at the top of this huge house, out in the middle of nowhere, quite possibly as in the "Wizard of Oz", Kansas, although I've never been there, perhaps something I read made me think of it..(see Adam Star's blogg for details about Dogs as symbols) It was mentioned in something I read.. and this film was the template for all the tornado nightmares I had as a child...since it was the first film I really watched besides "Yellow Submerine".

So here I am in a room at the top of this huge house, looking out the window searching the sky for any sign of trouble.. in a room full of cats (Adam Star's blogg to blame again!) and then I notice the cats are a bit disturbed; and I realized that although I couldn't see a tornado, I could FEEL it coming to knock the house down... now I thought, I was all alone in this house, aside from these cats, and we all started down to the stairs to the middle and then bottom room to get to the celler; We couldn't go outside because the winds were starting to blow, and there was an entrance to the celler INSIDE the house, via the suddenly enormous kitchen... at first seemingly quite empty.. When I look to see the celler, not only was it locked, but it was locked because there was poison inside, it had been freshly fumigated for some reason, and no one could go in without getting fataly poisoned.

This posed a serious problem, because as I look into this vast courtyard, built inside and around the dinning area, it was a military weapon's fair.. something like that only it wasn't exactly weapon's but furniture.. and I even made a joke to the people selling these things but calmly told a lady who was involved with everything for some reason, to get these people to a safe location because a tornado was about to hit.. and she would speak to them and ease them so they wouldn't panic.. where as if I did, I would get them either angry OR I would make them anxious.. and she did and we were by the window in the dinning room, with a solid wall and we all started to hit thr ground and the people I told to get under the table... and I covered the lady.. as the wall was swept away in the wind.

Now after everything had blown over.. and the house was partially wreaked.. we were ok, but it turned out that I peice of a skull from a newborn baby fell on me.. a bone from a baby.. and upon seeing this surprisingly clean bone fragment.. I could see so much in that bone, I was sad and couldn't stop crying because somewhere there was a baby who died...(for some reason I can't help but cry when I think of how I felt in that dream at this very moment).. and the death of people reveiled a conspricey.. the point is that many people were never reported being born, so their bodies were never counted as being DEAD.. and this was also upsetting because in some way, they knew it was going to happen..and they may have even planned for it.

More and more dreams...

2007-11-24T15:41:00.001+01:00

I had an interesting set of dreams lately.. this has to do with the problem of dealing with strangers and their problems I guess because it is influencing me to no end.

Yeah.. so anyway, the dream:

I was both a participant of a journey and at the same time, I wasn't; I was trying to do something; I was following a trail of some scientists, eventually; who did a radio interview in the year 1995, the odd part was, they seemed only one step away from finishing their work.. and then I accidently ran into them.. during my journey and they were in the process of letting it be, to leave things as they were within their research and instead build a tower up to the sky so that they could "rest".. the cloud formations were the shape of a man laying down, dreaming.. but with a catch.. the clouds were grey and this looked like the picture from the cover of the book about DMT... and these scientists had decided, that instead of finishing what they started and to show the world the truth of what transdiminsional realities existed, and ufos and that sort of thing.. that they were mearlying going on their "last trip" possibly letting the world die because of it.

I yelled at them and told them it wasn't fair to the world to just decide when it was them who had the most information on the topic.. that the world didn't have to be laid to waste because of their apathey...

and as I was walking away, dissapointed with their conclusion... they said they were breaking down the tower, and that I was essencially right, that it was their responsibility to see it to the end and then they could "rest"... because I pointed out their work wasn't complete.

As they were smashing down the brick tower.. my husband and I walked away to go home, where ever that was at the time.. and to a point it was us, but then to a point we had become the couple from "Its a Wonderful Life"; and the power was shut down to all the homes in the area, but it didn't matter, we were having a party (we never have parties anymore!!) and this party was like a 1940's thing with comodities from hotel gift packets laid out.. like small bottles of lotion, nailfiles, one use desposible razors, mints.. that kind of stuff.. really strange to put out for our "guests" but it was a film now anyway..

I got a message from one of the scientists as the project was restarting.. and he said.. "you parapsycholgists are much smarter than scientists.." and I didn't know if he was serious or ironic or something possibly even insulting.. and I thought it odd he called me and my husband parapsycholgist when in the film we were supposed to be "christians" or something like that.. even still my husband would have never really enjoyed that word..

and after I looked out the window to see what photos they were taking of events going on.. I noticed my bottom teeth started becoming loose.. suddenly I pulled them out with my fingers.. and thought.. oh dear, what have I done now.. but no panic.. I thought, if I can collect all the teeth falling out, and put them somewhere I could put them back in to my jawbone.. then I thought something silly and irrational.. after looking in the mirror.. "my husband won't look at me anymore if I loose my teeth...".. odd huh?

I think of it like this:

I've been in the process for a number of days trying to talk someone into not taking drugs... and trying to get them to enjoy life and what they have of life.. My Friday night chat was canciled and so I spent a large portion of the night just hearing out, and giving my time to the points of view in his/her situation.

The ideas revolving around DMT bother me.. its as if some people think you should go and do it.. and take that trip.. just like so many felt with LSD, and other forms of psychotropic drugs which "expand the mind".. My parents came from a time where LSD was the promised Mana from heaven.. the time when it was pure and supplied by the CIA.. still, it never made me want to try any of it.

Yeah..then one day it was illegal and was an unpure substance cut with stricnine to "make you see colours better".

My point is, maybe if we can learn how to control the natural chemicals within our own bodies, we can unlock the real psychedelic experience.. the real connection to that real 3rd eye....

I see the scientists as falling asleep on the job, because they are thinking along the logical instead of the spiritual.. towers are interesting too because of the tower of Bable... the aspiration to reach, but not the aspriation to complete.. maybe that is the message.. and me, my teeth? a certain helplessness.. a weakness of living inside of a body which is not powerful enough to endure the process of time.. as teeth belong to Saturn/Mars.. category.. they are both your "bite" and ablity to attack and at the same time, an important STRUCTURE... a definate Saturn keyword..

spritualists are Neptunian/Lunar by nature..Scientists Saturn again..so they ripping down their structure to their spiritual journey's end.. to restart and continue work they have long researched.. Saturn again and again over Neptune.. as though this was the logical conclusion before, maybe its a converse of the two.. Saturn's structure and responsibility and logic shifting towards the Neptunian with the rest and with the drug experienmentation in favour of continued hard work. And I..the Neptunian "spiritualist" promoting the continued work in the Saturn way.. by taking the work of the past and inproving upon it.. and continuing research...

It rememinds me of my natal horoscope with a Saturn/Neptune inconjuct and the midpoint being Mercury. It goes on just as convolutedly as well..

keyboard misery

2007-11-12T00:05:00.000+01:00

My ablity to touch type with this keyboard is very very hindered. The fact is, my other computer has a much better keyboNard for my blind touch typing.. the only thing is, it hates the connection.. so I have to deal with this one.

None the less mistakes will be made anyway.. as you have probably noticed if you actually read anything I write.

There is an essencial problem with words, and myself. But never mind... I've been a bit sad lately. It started as simply being asked to remove my personal art page, then it has ended up into a kind of cold war comparison situation.. say for example, if one was to argue about.. "9-11" or the 7-11 in the city... and then someone tells you that maybe your statement Provoked people into hating you due to the fact it was like denying the Holocost happened.. where as I don't see the relationship.. I mean here we are today in the now.

The ideas of the Holocost are actually inportant for all of us to remember.. it was how one group of people decided that they could decide, who lives and who dies based upon a false ethnic stereotype convolutedly established to make themselves look as though they alone on the face of this Earth were the only ones strong and beautiful enough to have the right to live..

But how does this effect my point of view over an issue such as 9-11? Well it was an example, it was as though me saying that the power structures that were in place, concerning 9-11 were making it awfully easy to create an illusion of something, wether that something happened on the basis of an illusion or a reality, understand it made things happen.. bad things happen.

There is some syncroncity to Nazis and Holocost however, and this is, how did so many people simple outside of those concentration camps LET this inhumanity happen? One could say they were decieved, and yet that wouldn't be fully sufficant for some... but the fact is now, there are people being decieved over aproximately the same sitation.. war being manufactured, one can say, for the purpose of going after an enemy, a created foe.. and no one ever ever speaks out.. even if it were totally true, even if everything were totally without question true about the enemy in question.. does it justify what is being done, and doesn't any of this bring a small fragment of shame?

The Danger of owning an Opinion

2007-10-28T11:32:00.000+01:00

Sometimes people don't like what you say...sometimes they attack the bringer of the message... sometimes there is fault with being less than perfect and not having ALL the ANSWERS cut and dried.

Perhaps had I not been a "suburban housewife" the respect certain people have for me may have been enough to allow me to stand as I am.

I believe in a wholistic approach to things, and I do mean EVERYTHING... I believe in asking questions and SEEKING the answers myself if I can't find sufficant information in news or other "institutions". I think more and more people need to do this as opposed to just allowing others to form opinions for them.

For this reason my name and my art has been taken off of my youtube channel. "the connection between family and opinion must be avoided in this household"..

I, myself as one of the many unsatisified "masses" has spoken. If you have an opinion, a comment or just a "bone to pick" be civilised and lets have an open dissusion about it; I'm "game".... as they say. If you can't write, use video as on youtube.. or some other form and mearly place the link here or on the youtube video which brought about these feelings, negative or otherwise..

Thanks for reading my blogg, if you do that. Next topic... VEGANISM; WHY? WHY NOT? ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES IN REGUARDS TO DIETARY CHOICES..and Responsible consumerism, if it is possible.. or is it?

My videos on youtube

2007-10-20T13:57:00.000+02:00

Hippocampus and amygdala

2007-06-19T12:37:00.000+02:00

Hippocampus and amygdala volumes in parents of children with autistic disorder.

I suppose all my simple amount of reasearch could have also come to the same conclusion only this is personal experience as although I have not autistic syndrome, I do have a very sensitive senserery structure, and I knew it actually long before. Its easy to see where the kids get it from when both parents tend to have personality traits in relationship to the hippocamus and amygdala.. such as strong inpressions, and an eye for detail as well as good memories. Its all a part of the structure.

Along with that, distraction/concentraition ablities are also a part of the way these structures are wired into the brain. It could all be conicidence, but it is definately, in my opinion, like a road map into the secret functions of brain structure. I believe firmly that these structures have always been varied and unique and mark a special place for those of us who have always been, either out of step with or are far ahead of the world.

IN the conclusion that they have come to in some structural studies of children with suspected ADHD, the amygdala, is also a structure to "BLAME"; so with this consideration in mind, to use drugs to control the so called "abnormatlity", to inflict drug treatments upon unique individuals who seem to not have some of the capacity to sit within a modern day school room usualy packed with all too many children and actually feel good about it, is sort of like choping down the Amazon Rainforest, because you don't like the insect life. (which is actually what some people have done, to the horror of the world). You toss the baby out with the bathwater, control the symtoms by destroying the area of the brain which has the greatest potential for gifts to be developed from.

Hippocampus and amygdala; You are the gold mine of the creative genius and the paraniod schizophranic and yet there is very little difference between the two, only a perspective of those close to the individual, and those who see them from far away.

Hippocampus and amygdala: I worship at your mystery, of where the mind begins and where unsual perceptions of fantacy take place. I love you, I love my brain, and I love my son's brain. In fact I love all brains as they are and unaltered.

Hippocampus and amygdala; some say these structures understress perpetuate addiction and harmful behaviours, but I tell you this, in the world where people want to escape, I feel the embracing of different realities not drug or alcohol induced are essencial for enduring a world for a sensitive person, not the reverse, in fact, all too often, the norm of acceptance is usually by trying to make people less comfortable with themselves as they are, and feeling more "as they should be" as other people would like them, productive drug addicts who contribute to society by being cogs in the wheel.

Although we can't all "shine" with abounding creativity (and that is left to question as well!) we can be ourselves and allow others to be "different" and this to be no threat to anyone. But the way things go, we have a deadline to meet, time clock to punch and an order to get out, and we don't have 13 years to spend on one painting that would be an historic work of art for the world to share in.. no, we must show our productivity or look like we are doing something.

From the weblink above:

"RESULTS: The volume of the left hippocampus was larger in both the parents of children with autistic disorder and the adults with autistic disorder, relative to the comparison subjects. The hippocampus was significantly larger in the adults with autistic disorder than in the parents of children with autistic disorder. The left amygdala was smaller in the adults with autistic disorder, relative to the other two groups. No differences in total brain volume were observed between the three groups."

"Don't look, shush... pretend to be busy, before the boss shows up and fires us!"

Idol 2007

2007-06-03T19:27:00.000+02:00

Maybe, eh? Oh well I did try, sadly Kishti probably if given the chance, could have beaten me within an inch of my life.. perhaps it would have been in the least entertaining as the verbal abuse the group is known for.

I signed a contract, my words are not my own any more and to talk about my experiences could get me sued, but still, it was a laugh, eh?

http://tv4.se/klipp/160311.html

Pondering the contact lens...

2007-03-31T18:08:00.000+02:00

Its an amazing little thing, I get away with avoiding headaches, and they even enhance my appearance, even if just slightly.

I've been searching for my size today, it seems the lenses I enjoy wearing are of a special depth and diameter, problem is it makes it more difficult to find within certain guidlines. I can't find those cute tinted Acuvue colours in my size. I often wonder if there is something wrong with me when I can't find so many things in my size, for example women's undergarnments for breast support and of course the contact lens. It seems maybe there is something to do with the cornia and the breast after all they are both sort of soft yet firm and very round! Some people would go farther and say they are both related to the moon, but I disagree because I see the eye as more of a "Pluto" thing.. related to the depths of the soul.

Its only fitting my size is difficult to find!

With a little accidental study, we find that the concept for the contact lens starts in 1508 with Leonardo da Vinci (naturally!) ( really wish people would stop attributing these "codes" and junk to him when the real genuine research he came up with was far more interesting, as well as his conclusion that being a vegan was a kinder way to live)

Da Vinci described a cup containing water which was placed over the eye so that the cornia itself would not refract light, thus reshaping the surface of the eye and correcting vision. With this in mind, he was probably the inspiration for lazer correction since this too makes the refractive surface of the cornia become corrected.

It seems that the first successful atempt at creating fitted lenses in the eye was by zeiss, a company known for their work with optical lenses, still being used in cameras today. They were known for having the clearest quality of lenses.

I just accidently gleened this information, (but not all the details) off of this sight
http://laico.org/v2020resource/files/contact_lens_Apr_jun04.pdf

But I still hadn't found what I was looking for, a reason my iris size is harder to find.. the truth is, when I looked at an "average" chart from 2002, which was placing matterials lenses were being made of, with the size of the fitting, my numbers lay far outside of the ones within the square of the chart. It also made it very clear why I always had so much trouble with special lenses and why my lenses used to cost so much more... but you wouldn't think a diameter would of 14.2 would be "large" but then combined with the base curve of 8.6, then the mystery is dispelled, simply that manufacturers have a size which is average, as in a shoe size, and with:
"Baskurva: 8.5
Diameter: 14.2"

Acuvue, you lost a potential customer, its too shallow and thus too small, but closest I can find with them. Too small and the lens can cause damage to the cornia after a few short months!

So I guess I have to stick to boring lenses :( the ones with the boring colours (non at all) and try hard to look for those "biocolour" lenses I've been searching for, as they are the only ones in my size.

The problem with anything addictive...

2007-03-22T12:04:00.000+01:00

The problem with anything addictive (and I do mean anything) is that one can easily lose track of where you belong in life.. when you realize, even with a friendship or relationship, how you will forget everything but that one thing, person, what ever.. you have to understand its a sickness.

Me with work, my painting.. then losing myself within for hours may seem harmless enough, but I have to "rotate" it all.. otherwise lose track of my life, not only to mention those close to me... but then I sometimes rotate to something else; yet another "addiction", so I stop before I can't stop... weird, I know.

Lets take in account an EX of mine, way back. Yes I realised he dressed himself up to be the "perfect" companion for me based upon what other people thought of me.. I suppose he also liked the attention I got and how other guys would say "how lucky you are..."

I realised though, it was the image of me and not me that he wanted, and I mean, not that I'm "all that", but rather my ease in the world, moving from talking to the man sleeping in the stairwell ( the guy who feeds all the stray cats) to talking to the political representitive for the area...

I realised that when he chose porn rather than actual SEX, with a real live warm bodied person... and then defened his choice with "men are wired DIFFERENTLY" and thus thought it was a "woman thing", but I didn't assume his situation was a definably MAN thing but rather an addiction, a place I was not allowed to look into or bring any light to. To make it worse he told me of his illegal sadistic porn, (hey those were real people being HARMED!!!) he explained that some fantacies were not to ever be shared, what he may have been saying, was "it wasn't to be shared with YOU"..

I understand that men on their own may find value of all kinds in the sexual release of porn but then you lose creativity by letting other people direct and star in your prefab fantacies.. come on now.. lets be creative and spontanious, take the porn and throw it out when you get that woman who is there and actually WILLING to "do it" (all the time!) with you.

A selection of a letter to my old friend...

2007-03-21T13:11:00.000+01:00

I had to answer a simple question, but how can one answer a simple question when its answer isn't really simple, it explaination tricky and complex with many twists and turns:

I realize that maybe I can explain to a few other friends or two with this selection:

"....After living in Chicago, away from family, alone, and sometimes not alone I learned ONE important thing, it doesn't matter where you are, its the people that count, not the place.

Friends never fade, even after years of non-contact, but you can be certain, that its the people that count, not the place they live in...we only become used to it. I figure it could be BAD to live in Sweden, but the worst thing was to know that you missed an opportunity stricktly based upon geography, rather than the heart. I think you understand this lesson life offers as well.

I figured, I could live in a familar place, I love, or hate, what ever, but without LOVE, no place would ever be home. I stand by that statement, even when it feels like love could fail me, that I would have to live on my own, or look for new opportunities just to give myself something to look forward to, but the fact remains: I could never have discovered Sweden, for all its wonders and all its ideals, and even its darker side, if it had not been for my love for Johan. I would never have had my beautiful son, and I would have never tested my adaptablity, or expanded my language base.

Yes, one can find out just who one is when one strips down the ideas of what being who you are actually entail. There was a credit card commercial here, "You are not your car, you are not your home, you are not your designer suit..." **** to me it was just "Preaching to the Choir".. I've always know that, but most people don't seem to understand, you are not your culture, your job, how much you make a year, what you choose to watch and read, you are not your nationality, and first and formost you are not your body; I say that because even when the body doesn't function the way it is, or the way it should, many people have often said of blindness or deafness or lameness, "I'd rather die than be...."

BUT WHY?

But without love... even in an able body, lots of money and lots of strength.. it sort of takes the air out of the ballon.

I must certainly be a freak.

Yes, how I got to Sweden, easy, I fell in love. WE fell in love....."

So goes it!

****Not only was that quote used for a comercial, but rather previously in the film "Fight Club"

Oblivious to the holiday season...

2007-01-02T17:52:00.000+01:00

Had you ever been so caught up in the action of things that you had little time for any kind of awareness? Its hard to believe that over a few months how different life can look, how things can change and how we tend to focus on just the exact thing that keeps one from "thinking too much about the wrong thing" (not that there is a wrong thing) (in this case the wrong thing was just about avoiding emotions that were hindering me, such as healthy sadness for the loss of so much this last year...)

I spent so much energy trying to avoid my feelingsd I took it out on everyone again. Its not fair that people are not on my side either.. I think I lost my job.. Its been hard for me to make a commitment to it anyway due to the fact that I need a contract as hard evidence for a commitment to be made with OTHER people's time... so when a contract didn't materialize what was I to do? My health is the shakey ground I am playing on..

In October I caught pneumonia, as this has adjusted life a bit, from being very active to being rather less than active a few more things happened; as I got the "all clear" with the x-ray examination, it has become quite apparent I have Asthma. The treatment (which was supposed to be temporary for my breathing problems) inhalationed cortizone is not easy for me.. my body reacts violently to it.. but not so violent that its life threatening, just enough to be uncomfortable, but it is far more uncomfortable to be breathless and unable to function on a basic physical level. We are reaching for the best dose that I don't have to suffer either as much but its taking alot of time; it has also become obvious after gettting yet another cold, that colds are bad things for my asthma problem...but this is the first time I can actually breath and have a cold at the same time.

Prevention being better than a cure in mind I also took the flu and pneumonia vaccine due to my cronic long time weakness...

The days after I was dianosed with this Asthma thing, suddenly my cat got sick, and then the beloved pet of the last 17 plus years died... spending the holidays without her only reminds me of an empty space of where she used to sleep beside us, and now her earthly body resides in the garden, under the tree which blooms in mini shocking pink rose-like flowers in the spring; in the "ring". When I look there, I'm reminded of how fast and how hard it felt and how I had to explain to my little son all too many times about why the cat, who was a part of all of our lives had died...

"...but why did she have to die?" to answer with a she was sick and old just didn't do as I too am sick and somewhat old... and my son still insists that she is now asleep under the earth in the garden to be somewhat reborn like the tulips and crocus are in the warm spring sun. Its such a beautiful illusion I myself catch myself in wanting to believe it; but I have to play the part of the reasonable parent instead and say that maybe we well see her again.. but not in that way, and not as we may remember her but that when we all meet again, we will know.

This is why I'm oblivious; I'm also very lonely, but hopefull that when things do finally start going "right", that I will be far less lonely in the future but this too is just a beautiful dream, as I should know that I have to continue in the face of hurt and disappointment (not to mention weak health) with little sign of affection and always responsibly being the "good girl".

Seeing the Future..

2006-10-11T18:48:00.000+02:00

When I listed my occupation as "seeing the future" I thought I was joking. I thought as an artist, a dreamer and a person who is always looking forward that it was, at the time, a bit of humour from an unemployed, artistic mother with a few words here and there that ring true on occasion.

Seeing the future IS now my true occupation. I didn't think about how often for me that even in joking the universe has a way of making what I say totally and dreadfully true, good and bad.. what do you know? I certainly know a few things about the nature of my perspective of the future. I knew that Astrology can not be considered a science, yes, but like anything with a prescribed set of rules and aplications; wether that be "Diplomatic Politics" or a great game of chess, why argue about science, religion and such when the accuracy is there. Even if it isn't in using a set of cards or a horoscope map but just my dreams and visions.

Am I being too enthusastic about this? Probably, but its always nice to know, I have a job, and this job title suits me so well, I don't ever wish to give it up. Maybe I am a little too interested in what is found behind the curtain... maybe I have my own ideas concerning the set up of what people call the "spiritual world"... maybe I try to interpret just very natural impulses that even animals can easily pick up, even over the telephone.

In any case, religion has nothing to do with it, spirituality, probably not either, but the depth and ground work of the basics of psychology and its development thoughout the past centuries before the days of "antidepressent medicines" and more surrounded by the mysteries of "witchcraft"; it is really the basics of psychological medicine.. and the power of positive thinking.

I supose after seeing Fredrick Reinfelt's birthday I thought to myself.."this is someone who is not very typical for his possition..." his chart contains planets in weak positions and is more than likely subject to comprimise.. constantly, Lets see, Venus is in Virgo, Mars in Libra and the Moon in Scorpio. Not easy energies.. not only that but to mention that he also has Mercury retrograde in Leo at the 29th degree (maybe not because I can't accurately assess this without a time of birth..) I suspect that although his Mercury is conjunct the royal star Regulis, in the heart of the lion, that he, none the less has had many difficulties and makes him to actually stand up at his young age, and become a representitive of change.

I realize I have been spending most of my life (today I am 38 and have been studying Astrology now for the past 30 plus years!) in the studies of these "esoteric" things.. sometimes accused of spending my energies to no serious end.. and accused of being a total manipulator of humanity, after all if you are an artist, you are naturally considered something of suspect. It goes with the Neptunian landscape.. the illusion, the deceptive, just like the area of "Spiritualists", sailors and junkies.. My whole nuclear family has Neptune in the 6th house, and Saturn in the 11th house.. My husband and I have a few other things going on with that.. for example I suspect that some things can be inherited in a chart between people... I see the asteroids link clues of that as their movements can be very slow, and yet a conjunction which happens only once every 18 years in one place with a slow moving planetiod such as Varuna.. is found prominant between my husband and son, they both have Varuna conjunct (exactly) their natal north node of the Moon. Now mind you, Varuna moves very slowly.. it has gone from Taurus to Cancer in the transit of over 35 years. Thus making the chances of this "signature element" even smaller.. Funny thing is also, my son's Natal North Node of the Moon, conjunct Varuna is in exact conjunction to my Natal Sun in Cancer.. you got to see those kind of coincidences as being less common.. as the timing of his birth was naturally nothing to do with neither my husband and I. It was all a matter of chance.. and I totally thought, although my charts promised a child, or many, that it was rather harder than I thought to get pregnant.. but we didn't do anything towards that. We just waited and did what came natural.

While my son was born, un natrually, I don't think that even that could have provoked the element of the precise timing needed to cause a "Varuna/NorthNode conjunction" as it was rather exact and the timing was a matter of days.. around or about when he was "born".

I have to mention once again that I now offically in my job title am a "seer of the future".. congradulate me.

More later one day.

Today is my birthday.

2006-07-01T10:49:00.000+02:00

Yes, exciting I know, but as I said, I really have very little to say lately, although on occasion there is something thought provoking that enters my mind, it is usually of no real consiquence. I don't know if I should speak of my recent dreams of war, football and hurricanes here though, but it feels quite realistic for this coming year to be full of change.

If I have a valid opinion about something, for example the conflict between Isreal (we all make our own enemies when we run around with huge-arse chips on our shoulders) an Palsitine (the angery, oppressed and disinfranchised people of the area who were run out of THEIR property the same way the Nazis ran Jews out of Germany circa 1939)

No one is right no one is wrong but somewhere along the line human life means little.. and I wonder where Carl Bilt is? I like his blogg, but its a little weak lately.

America bullies us into believing that if we are not "willing" to lay down our basic human rights, then we ourselves are friends of the "enemy" problem is, its looking harder and harder to see just what or who is the actual enemy of freedom these days, quite possibly like we trust religious leaders only to become dissillusioned and disappointed in their version of "morality" we usually would look to America for the champions of human rights and the freedom to persue happiness.. now its only become visibly OBVIOUS that it never was the case, and that blind faith only leaves the world (and those who live in America especially) completely blind, having no other senses developed other than the "seeing is believing" aspect of truth..

What about "feelings"? What about children? What about hope? What about anything?

Why does it have to get this bad before people actually come up against the issues of human rights violations? Women's rights as well as children's rights and lastly but not leastly, animal rights...?

Anyone even care?

I'm back...

2006-06-27T20:09:00.000+02:00

but I have nothing to say.

Saying Goodbye for a while before I even started...

2006-06-20T22:14:00.000+02:00

"...To whom it may concern:

I'm away right now, got to go spend time away from the hussle and bussle of the modern world and live in primitive conditions for a while- If I only knew what I'd do with my time aside from cooking over a hotwood fired stove, or washing loads of dishes with boiling hot water (which is how I prefer to wash any dishes)

I hate the toilet situation, because in the twilight of the low slung midnight sun, I often only see movementbut nothing of substance and then my senses become heightened with my instinctiveness and I become overly vigilant and jumpy at the slightest movement.
There are thankfully still, no ticks and no TBE (not there anyway). Not many huge animals although rumour has itthere are the occasional moose or bear in the woods as the woods should be. I just hope that I don't have to facea moose or a bear in my mood... which would be sad for the moose or bear. (grrrr) But then again, I'm sticking to my passivefistic background and avoiding conflicts with fluffy animals of all kinds in spite of the possiblethreat and size.

The last time I was there, I managed to do some very embarassing things, but made some wonderful pictures of lichens, with this new digital thing I may have more "instant" photos, but I don't trust that the quality will be as good. No this mission will be about "capturing" images of the inner world, perhaps also capturing sounds, and the lack of them, the empty space of the sky above and the rain, and possibly any sound of wind which comes my way, and I will sing in the woods and try to capture that too. (I'm planning the tribute to Mark Burgess "Tears" to now become an accapello project as someone dropped out of my recording, but may still come around by the time of "post production")

No I'm just going to do alot of what I could consider "nothing" and hope for the best. I hope that everyone will survive without me for a while.

Svenskasfinx ..."